Disappointment Is...Disappointing
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Politics and Activism

Disappointment Is...Disappointing

Nail polish can't solve every problem.

12
Disappointment Is...Disappointing
Abby Skye Cullen
My testosterone level result from my doctor through the app, MyChart (not sponsored) but it’s a great app. Find out if your hospital is partnered with it!

Well the good news is that my testosterone level has dropped by exactly 200 units since I last was tested 2 months ago.
My oestrogen level was less than exciting.

The bad news is that my oestrogen level dropped by about 6 units. Now I won’t know the full extent of what this means until I discuss it with my doctor in two weeks at my next checkup, but from what I can glean with my own somewhat informed brain is that for some reason, my body isn’t absorbing the oestrogen as easily as it’s not producing the testosterone. I’m also not producing much of a quantifiable amount of progesterone which is kind of also necessary for the equation to get the solution TB+E+P=GE (testosterone blockers + oestrogen + progesterone = gender euphoria.

This has got me thinking about disappointment and how I’m really not good at handling it as a concept. I have the potential chance of maybe being able to go back and finish school but I haven’t been given a yes or no on that yet. And I really don’t look forward to the possibility of the answer being no.

But back to the main focus of this post: my nails.

Allow me to explain. I bought a nail colour today hoping that the colour would combat the dysphoria and disappointment that I was feeling from a less-than-awesome-but-not-the-worst test result. But I chose a dark colour because well, I like darker colours and it made my chewed-down fingers look stubbier and more mannish and that’s when it hit me. Even if you manage to find a cruelty-free nail polish on sale, and the application goes smoothly, and you don’t smudge it, the result can still be less than you anticipated and that’s okay. Instead of trying to cover up your insecurity and shortcomings, sometimes it’s okay to just own them and receive them.

I am not where I want to be chemically right now. My hair is still not as thick and full and long as I want. I still haven’t spoken to my old family and I probably never will again.

And these are all okay.

I need to learn that I can’t control everything. Sometimes, life just doesn’t play out as you want it to, and it’s time to pull yourself up by your ankle booties, braid your hair, and put on a big coat of a darker lipstick because JFC what the goddess was I thinking?

Oh and yeah Abby from the past, always do wings. This looks awful.

#nofilter #naturalbeauty

Much better.

-AKS

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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