There are things that no one tells you when you first discover that you are suicidal. The main thing, you never really discover that you were suicidal until after your first attempt. That first attempt will change you. You may try again when you go back to that dark place you sometimes call home, but you learn things.

The night after your first suicide attempt you read over your goodbye note, if you wrote one. When you go to bed that night you have a nightmare. A nightmare of what the next day would have looked like once everyone found out that you were gone.

Your mother or father would find you. Imagine their faces seeing that. Everything they were proud of gone. Everyone would cry for you. Everyone would wonder what happened. You will realize that there are people who care for you. You are not alone. But the sick twisted thing is that was just in your nightmare. When you wake up after your first suicide attempt you probably won't tell anyone. So everyone who cared about you in that nightmare think you are still just fine.

The thing is you are not fine. You fake your smiles and you act like life is perfect and nothing is bothering you.

Maybe it isn't until a few years later that you decide to open up to someone you trust. For me that was my Mother. I sat down with her and through my sobs I told her about my self harm and my suicide attempts. She told me that I should have told her sooner.

The thing is, I couldn't tell you sooner. That isn't how any of this works. My demons took control of me all of those years and they never let me speak. They took my voice. They wanted me gone. If I was gone no one could hear my screams for help.

As I grew stronger I was the more I was able to fight my demons off. I am proud to say that I am now about 5 years clean of self harm and suicidal thoughts.

But the years I had to fight off those demons left scars on me. Some of those scars are physical but I have covered them up with beautiful artwork in the form of tattoos. The other scars were mental. Those demons left me with depression and anxiety.

My depression can lure my demons back and they sit on shoulder waiting to strike. I am powerful enough to chase them away. I know where that dark road leads me and I don't want to go back there ever again.

I have lost friends to their demons and I wish they would have realized what I had. But the thing is each of our demons are different and they don't play nice. Some demons never leave you alone until you do what they want.

I survived, I went on, I beat my demons. But I am scared. I am scared they will come back to haunt me and I will have my suicidal thoughts again. But I am strong and I have the right people in my life. I dare my demons to try again because they will fail. The will always fail.