Imagine this: You've been single for a while and you're so ready to settle down you can't stand it. You're texting or snapchatting your latest potential love interest and that fateful question runs through your mind. "Where is this going?"
It's an age-old question, and in today's age of casual sex and casual dating, it is imperative that people in a developing relationship are on the same page. You talk to your friends about it and ask if it's too soon to "Define The Relationship" because no woman wants to look crazy or pushy. They tell you to go ahead and ask The Question.
What's the harm? The worst he can say is that he's not looking for anything serious, right?
The problem is that you've spent time messaging and getting to know this guy and now the possibility that he might want something casual when you want something serious is terrifying you. It fills you with anxiety to the point that your stomach feels warm and you feel slightly light-headed.
And you decide to ask him The Question. (But late at night, of course, everyone knows you're braver after 10 pm.)
He doesn't respond for a few minutes and you quickly add in a plea for his honesty. You anxiously await his response. You see those little dots pop up and immediately leave the message thread in a last-ditch attempt to pretend like this isn't stressing you out. You try to mindlessly scroll through twitter when the notification comes through.
You have a new message from him. You take a deep breath and open his text. "I'm not really looking for anything serious, but I'm down to hang out and get to know you better." Immediately your mind is working because your read receipts are on and you have a limited amount of time to craft a response.
Your first thought is to agree because, as women, we've been conditioned to give men what they want. Your second thought is to counteract, but you're worried he won't want to keep talking to you if he knows you're looking for something more serious. You opt to agree and cross your fingers that he'll fall for you more as he gets to know you.
If this situation sounds familiar to you, welcome to the party.
This self-destructive behavior is the downfall of many of my own past almost-relationships. It makes absolutely no logical sense for you to agree that you want something casual if you want something serious. It is the absolute best recipe for heartache. But love isn't logical, and you end up hurting yourself and blaming it on him. You'll talk trash about him for two weeks in an attempt to make yourself feel better after being so brutally hurt.
Here's a newsflash for you: it isn't his fault. You asked him The Question and you asked for his honesty. And you got his honest answer. Then in a desperate pursuit of love decided to lie to yourself and to him in hopes that it would work out anyway.
I'm not here to judge or blame women who do this because I'm in the same boat (heck, I'm the captain of that boat). This is a call for women to ask for honesty and give it in return. You cannot expect a guy to fall in love with you when he just told you that he wasn't looking for that.
If he's not looking for something serious and you are, then MOVE ON. If he's looking for something serious and you're not, then MOVE ON. If you ask The Question, and your intentions don't line up with each other, then MOVE ON.
If the feelings aren't 100% mutual, it's okay to let go. It's going to suck when it ends but it'll suck a lot less if it ends before anyone develops deeper feelings. So stop hurting yourself more than what's necessary. Learn to let go and use the energy that would've been wasted on something that had low odds of success on something more worth your time.
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