Two weeks ago, I took my last oral medication for Bipolar disorder. I was no longer irritable and dramatic as I had been two years before I was prescribed the medication. Seeing that Lamictal was the only medication I took orally, my doctor agreed to let me wean off of it so that I wouldn't worry about having to take medication daily.
I was excited to not take any medication orally anymore. I would only rely on my injection, Invega Trinza, for my illness. Dreams of traveling for more than four weeks and the possibility of having a family made it seem like this was the best option. But now, two weeks after I stopped taking Lamictal, I can't keep my eyes open. I can't focus on my work, much less have the motivation to do it. By the end of each day, I lay in bed and wonder what exactly I did. And I tend to hate myself when I realize I slept much of the time.
It isn't that I am nottrying. It takes me a great amount of effort to get out of bed and go for a run. Some days, I even do it and then instantly regret it, falling back into bed for about two hours before trying again. It isn't that I am too lazy to function. But I have no motivation to move or think. I plug in some inspirational music, and still, I am complacent about my depression.
Because that is what is happening to me—I am depressed. I relied so much on medication for my mood stability that without it, I am nothing without it. I didn't know it at first though; I thought I was just tired from my daily runs and didn't think much of it. But as more days of exhaustion pass, the more shame I feel for not being myself. I barely work or procrastinate when I do because I don't feel the joy from it; I don't talk to my friends, thinking that I'm not worth their time. I start to hate my body for gaining fifty pounds over the course of medications I've been on.
This isn't how a lazy mind works. A lazy mind will do nothing and think nothing of the consequences. A lazy mind believes that it will receive satisfaction from life from doing nothing. A lazy mind doesn't take care of themselves or own up to responsibility. When a depressed person doesn't take care of themselves, it seems like laziness. People tell you, "Just take a shower" or "go out with your friends" as if it is a magical pill. But depression makes you feel like you are sinking and you have nothing to hold onto except for itself.
It's easy to believe that depression can save you because it is a seedling in our minds. Our normal intention with seeds is to nurture them, and so, when those bad thoughts bud, we hold onto them. I've been going to therapy for eight years, and I've learned that mental illness is just bad chemicals in your brain that you can't get rid of. How we take care of ourselves as our minds seem to spiral dictates our recovery.
Because most of the time I am pushing myself to work these days, I don't discount any of the effort I put in. Some days I am better than others. I'm trying, I tell myself as motivation. I know there willl be days when I feel lazy. But I also know that it's not because of my condition. It's because I'm learning how to take care of myself again.
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