I'm writing this now I guess to help myself work through the feelings I currently am struggling with. It's been a long weekend, I've had so much free time and could have gotten a lot of work done. Yet, I am in bed like I have been pretty much all week. I have slept in an ungodly amount the past seven days.
Currently, I'm working on homework with my laptop, but I don't know how productive someone like me can be when they can only focus for about a sentence before veering off to something else. I have had one measly assignment to do all week, but I haven't done it yet. I started it hours before it's due, finally, but it's a pathetic amount of work completed over the past hour and a half.
Earlier, I went to the gym, not because I wanted to or like to, but because it was anything but doing what I need to do. Then after a little under an hour of being there I was ready to go, but I could not remember where I had parked. Why was it so hard for me to think back to to where I parked? I realize it's because my mind is thinking racing about so many other things, I'm not even really paying attention to the now.
After working out I came home to lay on the floor looking at nothing for a solid thirty minutes. There's always that rational voice in my head that asks "what are you doing on the floor? You're wasting time." This voice is always drowned out by the racing thoughts. You ask me what I'm thinking about and I could answer it a hundred thousand different ways. I just am not totally "here" today, or really this past week.
I mean physically I am here and going through the motions, but up in my head it's a different story. As I sit here taking a breather from my homework and fight the feeling to just go to sleep like I so desperately cannot wait to do, I'm taking the time to remind myself that I will feel better if I just keep going. Get my shit done so that I CAN go to bed. My homework is not even hard, but right now, for whatever reason, I just literally cannot.
I have been doing like a few sentences then taking a break and you know what? Go me. Little victories, right? Me writing this isn't to give anyone tips on how to deal or an explanation as to why me and others are like this, it's more of just a rant. It is so frustrating. It frustrates me when I can't complete the simplest of things for no apparent reason, and I'm sure others feel the same. Just know you aren't alone, and it's okay that you feel this way. As long as you keep pushing through it, and you get out of bed everyday, then you've done the best you can.
It could be so easy to sleep the days away, talk to no one, hole up in my room for a while, but it wouldn't make me feel the slightest bit better. Getting one sentence closer to finishing my assignment though, now that is something I can smile about.