The Frustrating Side Of Depression

The Frustrating Side of Depression

Depression creates this frustrating war within you, and I thought I would share what I'm struggling with right now.

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I'm writing this now I guess to help myself work through the feelings I currently am struggling with. It's been a long weekend, I've had so much free time and could have gotten a lot of work done. Yet, I am in bed like I have been pretty much all week. I have slept in an ungodly amount the past seven days.

Currently, I'm working on homework with my laptop, but I don't know how productive someone like me can be when they can only focus for about a sentence before veering off to something else. I have had one measly assignment to do all week, but I haven't done it yet. I started it hours before it's due, finally, but it's a pathetic amount of work completed over the past hour and a half.

Earlier, I went to the gym, not because I wanted to or like to, but because it was anything but doing what I need to do. Then after a little under an hour of being there I was ready to go, but I could not remember where I had parked. Why was it so hard for me to think back to to where I parked? I realize it's because my mind is thinking racing about so many other things, I'm not even really paying attention to the now.

After working out I came home to lay on the floor looking at nothing for a solid thirty minutes. There's always that rational voice in my head that asks "what are you doing on the floor? You're wasting time." This voice is always drowned out by the racing thoughts. You ask me what I'm thinking about and I could answer it a hundred thousand different ways. I just am not totally "here" today, or really this past week.

I mean physically I am here and going through the motions, but up in my head it's a different story. As I sit here taking a breather from my homework and fight the feeling to just go to sleep like I so desperately cannot wait to do, I'm taking the time to remind myself that I will feel better if I just keep going. Get my shit done so that I CAN go to bed. My homework is not even hard, but right now, for whatever reason, I just literally cannot.

I have been doing like a few sentences then taking a break and you know what? Go me. Little victories, right? Me writing this isn't to give anyone tips on how to deal or an explanation as to why me and others are like this, it's more of just a rant. It is so frustrating. It frustrates me when I can't complete the simplest of things for no apparent reason, and I'm sure others feel the same. Just know you aren't alone, and it's okay that you feel this way. As long as you keep pushing through it, and you get out of bed everyday, then you've done the best you can.

It could be so easy to sleep the days away, talk to no one, hole up in my room for a while, but it wouldn't make me feel the slightest bit better. Getting one sentence closer to finishing my assignment though, now that is something I can smile about.

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An Open Letter To Someone That Doesn't Want To Live Anymore

Please read further if you need to.
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Hello,

I’ll begin by saying that I don’t have the right things to say to you. I know that you are in pain. I know that you think your life is no longer worth living. No amount of advice I have can fully remove what you are experiencing. So instead, I am here to tell you a story.

The first time a certain young girl had an experience with suicide was when she was in 8th grade. She went to school as usual, getting dropped off at the front entrance with some of her friends. She walked in and the topic of conversation was a boy in the high school. The night before, he had killed himself. She had never met him. She knew some of his family members, but not once did she have the opportunity to experience conversation with him. And yet, though she did not even know who he was at the time, she was floored. She hid herself in the bathroom to cry, shaking uncontrollably within the stall. It was incredibly painful for her to know that someone had been so sad that he felt that he didn’t want to live his life anymore. She knew that he never would have expected her to care. She was a girl almost three years younger than him, someone he had never met. But as she cried within the halls of their connected schools, she wished that he had somehow known that his life had mattered to her.

As you have probably concluded, I was that 8th grader. But this story isn’t about me. This story is about you.

I’ll go further. Every person that has taken their own life that I have known has affected me. And every person that has taken their own life did not know me well. I was not particularly close with any of them at the time of the occurrence. This is important, so please consider this: A girl that had never met the people who committed suicide mourned their death. She fell and questioned everything she knew because of their choice. She became depressed because of the death of someone whom she was not friends with at the time. She eventually started to feel the same way they had. And I know that someone, somewhere, whom you have never actually met, will mourn the loss of you. Please don’t take that idea for granted.

You matter. You might not want to be alive right now—but you are. Maybe you don’t think about how it will affect your mom, who will cry in her bed each night wondering how she could have overlooked your sorrow. Maybe you don’t think it will matter to your best friend from high school, who will shiver outside the church where your funeral was and refuse to step foot in another sanctuary. Maybe you don’t realize that your cousin will look at the pictures of the two of you and hyperventilate, not leaving his room for days. But those kinds of things will happen. Please, realize that you need to continue living your life for them. Realize that you need to continue living your life for the 8th grader who will cry in memory of you because she can’t stand the idea of knowing you ever felt this hopeless. If for no one else, realize that you need to keep living your life for yourself—because there is more left for you to discover.

I wish I had the words to remove all the pain you feel right now. Though I may have never met you, be comforted in knowing that I love you. I want you to be living. I believe that the reason why you are still breathing is because you still have a purpose on this Earth. I know you are hurting but please keep going. You are loved by those whom you have never even met.

Cover Image Credit: Canadian BFRB

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I Never Thought I'd Have To Attend A Classmate's Funeral Two Weeks Before He Was Supposed To Graduate

Teen suicide is a taboo topic where I'm from, even if we have lost two members of the community to it in the past two years.

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One of the hardest experiences of my life happened just this week, at the funeral of a boy I barely even knew. I had gone to school with him since kindergarten but hadn't had a class with him since fifth grade, and I don't think we had talked since then. All I had ever thought of doing with my classmates two weeks before graduation was complaining about finals and maybe going to a few graduation parties.

Instead, we all left school midday to head to the largest Baptist church in town. I sat in the middle of a row of pews, surrounded by two hundred or more people that I had either gone to school with my whole life or had gone to school with at some point in the past thirteen years.

There was not a single one of them that did not have tears in their eyes. We listened to the pastor share memories of our classmate that had been shared online, and some of us even got up to share our own and to thank his parents for raising such a kind and caring, young man.

He was the type of guy to invite you to go out to eat, even if he knew you had to work, just because he didn't want you to feel forgotten about. Every single person who spoke said, "There wasn't a single thing I didn't like about this kid." They spoke those words in full truth.

The senior class was named in the obituary as honorary pallbearers. We followed the eight football players and the rest of the football team and our classmate's closest friends to a hearse waiting outside. I watched as the hearse pulled away, and I believe that is when it truly hit everyone.

He was gone, and he wasn't coming back. As the hearse pulled away, all I could see on the other side were tears streaming down the faces of some of the toughest guys I know.

We called the football team the Thunder House. The phrase "Thunder House" went from something normally said with a smile or a chuckle to something said with a melancholy tone. No one cheered when it was said anymore, they only gave sad nods and tight, depressing smiles.

Teen suicide is a taboo topic where I'm from, even if we have lost two members of the community to it in the past two years. In 2017, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published an article stating that Americans in rural areas are more likely to die by suicide, also stating that suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States.

The week before we lost our classmate, there was a walk at the school on a Saturday to raise awareness for teen suicide and depression. I only heard one teacher say anything about it beforehand. There were no signs around the school. There was no mention of it on the morning announcements. There was not a post on the school's website inviting members of the community to join us.

I truly believe that more could have been done that could have possibly prevented the heartache that has impacted a school, a family, and a community. Reach out to those you feel may be in need, and even those that you do not feel may be in need because you never know what someone is going through.

Articles on suicide prevention or recount stories of suicide or suicidal thoughts should end with the following message, written in regular weight font, styled in italics:

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


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