Living day-to-day with depression and anxiety is something not a lot of people can relate to or understand. We aren't all lazy; we sometimes just don’t have the energy to do the things everyone else does on a daily basis.
To help people without a mental illness know what’s it like, or to help those with mental illnesses know that they’re not alone, I have gone through and chronicled my feelings, thoughts and activities throughout a pretty typical day in my life with depression and anxiety.
5:45 a.m.
My first alarm goes off. I don't want to wake up. I got 10 hours of sleep, but I'm still so tired. I go back to sleep.
6:15 a.m.
My second alarm goes off. I have to wake up now. If I don't, I'll be late to school. What does it matter? It's not like I'm any good anyways.
6:19 a.m.
I actually get out of bed and start getting ready. Why do I have so many notifications so early in the morning? Why are they already starting to give me anxiety? I should probably have breakfast, but my stomach doesn’t feel hungry and making food is a lot to do so early in the morning.
6:50 a.m.
My friend pulls up to take me to school. I have started to hate his car. It's what takes me away from my sanctuary.
7:12 a.m.
We pull into school. This parking lot is the bane of my existence. I can already feel the anxiety rising in my chest. I have only been awake for an hour, but I'm already itching for a nap.
7:28 a.m.
The first bell rings. The hallways flood with kids. I feel the walls closing in around me. It's getting hard to breathe.
7:33 a.m.
I walk into the library. I don't have any classes for the first half of the day, so that's good I guess. But having to sit in the library by myself with everyone looking at me adds to my anxiety. I should use the time to catch up on homework or study, but it’s still too early to focus on work right now, so I’ll wait until I get home to do that.
9:56 a.m.
The bell to go to 5th period. I have to go to this class. The halls suck. Too many people, not enough space. Everyone bumps into each other and pushes you around. Sensory overload. Too many sounds, too many smells, too many bodies. I need to sit down.
10:01 a.m.
I'm in class. Comfortably seated in the back row. Nobody is looking at me. I don't get called on to answer questions or go up to the board. I like this class. We get assigned work online, but I tell myself I'll wait until later to do it; I'm too tired to do it now.
11:31 a.m.
The bell to go to lunch. Again, the halls have too many people, but I can get to lunch without incident, hopefully. This is when the day really starts to hit me: I am exhausted, too exhausted to even eat, I can do that when I get home. But I only need to power through one more class. At least now I get to see some of my friends, people I can relax around.
12:06 p.m.
The bell rings to go to the last period of the day. Thank god my class is right by the cafeteria; I don’t think I would have made it otherwise. I sit in the back again this class, but my heart drops to my stomach when the teacher says we’re going to play a game. Everyone is standing in front of the class. She goes down the row, telling us anatomical positions and asking us to point to them. She gets to me and I freeze up, I say I don’t know and ask to go to the bathroom. The bathroom. It’s my scapegoat. Whenever things get to be too much in class, I can almost always just ask to go to the bathroom. The short walk and couple seconds of silence I get is always enough to push me through the next few hours.
1:41 p.m.
This is what has come to be my favorite time ever. It is the time I am set free from school and allowed to go home. The halls, for the last time that day, flood with students. This time, though, we are all going in the same direction so it’s a little less stressful. I get to go home and enjoy my own company.
2:10 p.m.
I walk through my front door and collapse on the couch. About 15 minutes after I turn on The Office, I’m asleep. The day takes a lot out of you especially when you wake up tired.
4:23 p.m.
My mom walks through the door and wakes me up. I exchange small talk with her, but my mind is a thousand miles away. I’m thinking about the amount of homework I have to do, the emails I have to answer, the texts I’ve missed, the chores I have to. It clouds my mind. I can’t think. I need to lay down.
4:46 p.m.
I’m in bed. I told my mom I had homework to do, and I do, I just can’t do it right now. How am I this tired if I just took a nap? Maybe if I close my eyes for a few minutes I’ll feel better.
5:34 p.m.
I wake up again, this time to my mom asking me if I want anything to eat. I’m not particularly hungry, plus eating sounds like a lot of work. I should probably do my homework. I pull my backpack up onto my bed and dump it out. I only have one thing due tomorrow, so I guess I can get that done now.
6:19 p.m.
I finally finished the one homework assignment I had due tomorrow, so I’m good, I guess. I can do laundry that’s been piling up in the corner.
6:23 p.m.
I have put four shirts away and am now laying back on my bed. It’s not that I don’t want to put it away, I really do, but I just can’t find the energy right now, maybe later, maybe tomorrow. For now, though, I guess I’ll lay on my phone, watch a couple YouTube videos.
9:28 p.m.
Time truly does fly when you do nothing. I have somehow found a way to become more tired than I have been all day. But I should take a shower before I actually go to bed, otherwise I will fall into a complete downward spiral of a lack of self-care.
9:46 p.m.
I am finally done for the day. It is now a socially acceptable time to turn my notifications off and tune the world out. I lay down in bed and watch a couple videos before I slip into sleep and graciously welcome the calming silence of sleep. Until tomorrow, at least.