It's Time I Stop Lying To Myself And Admit That My Depression Makes Me Feel Fake

It's Time I Stop Lying To Myself And Admit That My Depression Makes Me Feel Fake

It's about time I start being honest with the people I care about.

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As much as I want to say I can live normally with depression, I can't.

Being myself requires so much more energy than it should. Going out and being social is not effortless. I'm an introvert, which makes it even more difficult, but depression tells me that I should isolate myself.

Sounds counterintuitive, right? Sadly, my depression makes me feel this way.

It's like I'm living in a shell. Only some people can see what's going on inside, but I'm always on the verge of cracking. I'll glue the cracks together by lying and faking a smile.

As much as I hate to admit it, my depression is starting to affect my relationships. Social situations are overwhelming. I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things. Every time I say no to outings with friends, I fear that they think I don't want to hang out with them. I fear that they're secretly disappointed in me. I fear that I'm a liar. I fear that I'm fake.

This isn't my fault. It's my depression telling me that it's better to lie rather than tell the truth about what is going on with me. When people ask me if I'm okay, I usually say yes or just pretend like it's not a big deal. This has not helped me. I'm ready to stop it.

I'm tired of lying to people so they can hear what they want to hear. Life isn't all sunshine. I know my friends care immensely about my well-being. Why, then, am I lying so much? Why am I putting up a front?

It's about time I stop forcing myself to do things. It's about time I start being honest with the people I care about. It's okay to say, "I need a night in because I'm not at my best today." It's okay to not make people happy all of the time.

I need to continue putting my mental health first. I can't do it only sometimes, and I can't sacrifice it to make other people happy. In reality, people just want me to be happy. I know that. It's time to stop lying to myself too.

Yes, depression makes me feel fake sometimes. But that doesn't mean that I am fake. Making people happy is important to me, but I have to remember that putting up a front isn't going to help me in the long run. It's going to hurt me. I don't have to fake a smile to be liked.

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Sorry I'm A Size 00

But I'm not really sorry.
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My whole life I’ve been thin—which is kind of an understatement. Every time I go to the doctor I get the same “you’re underweight” lecture that I’ve heard every year since I was able to form memories. I’ve never really felt insecure about my weight, I love being able to eat everything and not gain a single pound. Since my freshman year of high school I’ve probably only gained 8 pounds and I’m now a sophomore in college. Of course, in school, there were rumors that I was anorexic or bulimic, but everyone who knew me knew that was far from the truth. I’m now 19, 5’2, and I still have yet to break 100 pounds on the scale. It seems that there is a lot of skinny shaming going around and to me, one of the main contributors to that is the Dove Real Beauty campaign.

You’re probably wondering where I’m going with this because skinny girls get all the praise and other body types are neglected. That’s really not true, though. While loving other body types, you are tearing down skinny girls. Why is it okay to do that to skinny girls but not to other body types? Why is it okay to say “only dogs like bones” or say “every body type is beautiful” until you see a model's abs, or ribs, or thigh gap and then tear them down because they’re “unnaturally” skinny?



The point I’m trying to make is that, as a naturally skinny girl, I have never shamed anyone for their body type, yet I go every day and get at least two comments about my weight. I’m always the skinny girl, the toothpick, but I’m not Jessica. Yeah, I’m a size 00. Get over it. If you have an issue with my body and feel like my body is disgusting to you, don’t look at it. I know that I’m healthy and I don’t need your input when my body just naturally burns calories fast. I don’t have an eating disorder and never have. I am real beauty though, and I know that because I’m comfortable in my own skin. So maybe the real issue is that we as a society have been shoving certain body types down our daughters’ throats so they begin to romanticize models that have certain standards that they have to meet, who work hard for the bodies that they have, and are making a hell of a lot more money than most of the people discussing why they look emaciated while what they’re actually looking at is the photoshopped product.

I’m not going to apologize for being skinny when that is just how my body is, I can’t help it. So please, stop tearing my body down while trying to bring your body up. You can praise your body without shaming skinny girls. Shaming me for being thin does not make you better than the man that shamed your body, just as me shaming you for being curvy does not make me better than the man that shamed my body. As women, we need to love each other because we are the only ones who truly understand each other.


Cover Image Credit: Victoria's Secret Untouched

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Masking Your Pain Leads To Self Destruction

Pain, physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness.

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I scream. I've been diagnosed. There's a virus inside of me, and it continues to spread throughout my body. I can't get rid of it. I knew in that very moment that pain became my best friend.

No one can see me like this. What would they think? I have to be strong, you know, hold up this image. So, I put on the "TyAsia's" very own masks, to hold up this image. I tell myself, they can't see the tears I've cried that late night when my family found out my stepdad was murdered. The one time I came to school hungry because my mother couldn't afford to buy groceries for the month. Or the time when I first met my biological father. Piece by piece, my masks are coming along pretty strong, don't you think?

Pain greeted me at a time where I had nothing, absolutely nothing. It explored me from head to toe, finding my most vulnerable moments. In this case, I became a victim of a controlling monstrous beast. This beast fed off my difficulties and insecurities in life. It knew me at my best and worst, where to get me good. I can't escape it. Something new is happening in my life, and it longs for new feelings.

The amazing thing about life is that lightness will always prevail. Whether you are going through depression or a bad breakup, a light will find a way to shine into your life. With pain comes the recovery process, and though I wasn't expecting one, but it came. Drowning in fear, I never expected to see the light. People always say life comes at you and you just coexist with it. However, I say otherwise. This world is no joke. I've had to mature before the time came, and it broke my view of the world. I saw things differently, and I still see things differently. These last four years of my life I felt alone and ashamed. I hid from the people I loved the most and those who care deeply about me.

I feel my mask shattering. The pieces that helped shape the mask are falling. Piece by piece, they disappear. This mask was my best friend. We were like two. Screwed into my head, the mask that hid my most painful moments in life is gone.

I don't scream anymore. I've been cleared from the virus. I don't wear masks around here.

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