My Depression Makes Me Feel Fake

It's Time I Stop Lying To Myself And Admit That My Depression Makes Me Feel Fake

It's about time I start being honest with the people I care about.

303
views

As much as I want to say I can live normally with depression, I can't.

Being myself requires so much more energy than it should. Going out and being social is not effortless. I'm an introvert, which makes it even more difficult, but depression tells me that I should isolate myself.

Sounds counterintuitive, right? Sadly, my depression makes me feel this way.

It's like I'm living in a shell. Only some people can see what's going on inside, but I'm always on the verge of cracking. I'll glue the cracks together by lying and faking a smile.

As much as I hate to admit it, my depression is starting to affect my relationships. Social situations are overwhelming. I feel overwhelmed by the smallest things. Every time I say no to outings with friends, I fear that they think I don't want to hang out with them. I fear that they're secretly disappointed in me. I fear that I'm a liar. I fear that I'm fake.

This isn't my fault. It's my depression telling me that it's better to lie rather than tell the truth about what is going on with me. When people ask me if I'm okay, I usually say yes or just pretend like it's not a big deal. This has not helped me. I'm ready to stop it.

I'm tired of lying to people so they can hear what they want to hear. Life isn't all sunshine. I know my friends care immensely about my well-being. Why, then, am I lying so much? Why am I putting up a front?

It's about time I stop forcing myself to do things. It's about time I start being honest with the people I care about. It's okay to say, "I need a night in because I'm not at my best today." It's okay to not make people happy all of the time.

I need to continue putting my mental health first. I can't do it only sometimes, and I can't sacrifice it to make other people happy. In reality, people just want me to be happy. I know that. It's time to stop lying to myself too.

Yes, depression makes me feel fake sometimes. But that doesn't mean that I am fake. Making people happy is important to me, but I have to remember that putting up a front isn't going to help me in the long run. It's going to hurt me. I don't have to fake a smile to be liked.

Popular Right Now

To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
2647649
views

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

Related Content

Connect with a generation
of new voices.

We are students, thinkers, influencers, and communities sharing our ideas with the world. Join our platform to create and discover content that actually matters to you.

Learn more Start Creating
Facebook Comments