Just because I can't always get out of bed or I can't always look someone in the eyes when I speak to them; just because I stutter sometimes and cry at literally everything; Just because I am depressed sometimes, doesn't mean that I am without ambition.
This isn't a cry for help or an advertisement for my problems. I don't want your sympathy or your attention, I will not be labeled as a story of triumph over adversity because that makes me feel weird and nervous and makes me stutter. This is simply why depression does not define your ambition or your path in life.
For starters, I have a fairly mild depression that I handle in my own way- if you or a friend are suffering in your own way from depression I implore you to seek professional opinions and help because I'm just a dumb college kid who is barely holding herself together- why should I know what's up and what's down?
I have goals. I have professional goals, I have relationship goals, I have mental health goals as well as physical health goals. These are standards that I hold myself to in order to feel like I am working towards something. When I first started college I struggled. I struggled with depression, I struggled with purpose, I struggled with the smallest tasks concerning my well-being. I didn't find the point in making good grades, as long as I passed and got college over with and got into the real world, I didn't care because I wasn't working towards getting into a college anymore, I wasn't interested in going to grad school. I felt no need to hold myself to any standards and everything felt painfully pointless. I distinctly recall sitting in my dorm room, alone, in my underwear and a sweatshirt that was far too big on me from not eating, and watching keeping up with the Kardashians for hours on end. I was a mindless zombie of who I once was.
That is until I went greek and my Sister-Mother literally dragged me out of my hobbit hole and made me brush my nappy head. Thanks, Sarah, you rock.
That is when I started to care about myself. It took me a while but I made the very conscious and deliberate decision to take care of and love myself. I wanted to have a good life after college, I wanted to one day have a nice place and wear nice clothes, I wanted to be able to afford to travel and I wanted to make my family proud. I knew I couldn't do that while sitting on my butt letting my body wither away. So I did things. I made plans, I went out, I laughed and I sang in the car with the windows down with my sisters who I will forever be grateful for.
I saved myself. Yes I talked to a couple of professionals and I talked to my friends, my boyfriend and I allowed myself to really feel and get to know myself. But all I walked away with from each therapy session was that they didn't understand. They didn't get it, they didn't know what they were talking about. My friends- they didn't get it. Their struggles were way worse than mine and they made me feel like I didn't qualify for the "depressed college kid" club. They made me feel worse.
So I took it all into my own hands. I tried mantras, I tried yoga, I tried CrossFit, and crocheting more. I got a cat, I went on hikes, I dressed up more to help with my self-image, I perfected my makeup. I spent hours upon hours watching youtube tutorials on hair and makeup and nails, anything that I could employ to aide in waking myself up from the deep coma that is depression.
This is where the ambition part of this article kicks in. It wasn't until I started liking myself that I could start seeing myself in those dream places of mine. I couldn't see myself as a successful professor if I couldn't even see myself as a successful student. I would never be able to believe that I could ever get a job good enough to pay for all the things I want (which is a lot... and I have an expensive taste too...) if I wouldn't even look at myself in the mirror.
If you can respect yourself and your life enough to see past the tomorrow ahead, you can imagine any possibility of your life. If you can imagine it, you can believe in it; if you can believe in that possibility, even if just for a split second, you can make it a reality.
All it takes is ten seconds of insane courage and you can achieve anything.
Every day is a rollercoaster with depression. I could wake up and be so thrilled to be alive, or I could be late for every class of the day because I zoned out in the lobby. I'm not saying that the only way that someone with depression can be ambitious or follow their dreams is my method. It's just what helped me. If I can sit down and remind myself of my worth, if I can just look myself in the eyes and believe in the possibilities of my hopes and dreams and aspirations, then I can get up, make my bed, I can brush my hair and I can eat a muffin; for some people, that is more of an accomplishment than anything else I could do with my day.