The concept of identity is an undeniably critical aspect of both our society as well as of our individual lives. Indeed, I believe identity, especially of individuals, plays a large part in defining us as human beings. We are feeling, creating, and loving beings and the unique ways each one of us feels, creates, and loves help make up our personal identities.

Still, one’s own identity is not something always easy to understand. I would argue we are not born with our full identities; rather, our identities slowly develop and probably never stop changing completely. Identities are nuanced as well. They are made up of so many infinite components so as to make one’s identity perhaps not completely definable.

However, there is one aspect which I do not think we should use to construct our identities — who we are not.

Who we are not does not make up who we are. Not only does portraying yourself in such a way give off, in my opinion, a sense of superiority and judgment (depending on which characteristics you are claiming not to have), doing this is also simply an empty way of defining yourself. There are so many great (and also not-so-great) qualities making up every person.

It seems a waste of time to define oneself in negative terms.

Of course, as with every rule, there are exceptions. In identity politics, as an example, I understand how it may be important to define oneself, at least temporarily, in terms of what one is not.

For instance, less privileged groups may want to emphasize they are not privileged in order to communicate the associated hardships they regularly experience.

Yet, in general (and obviously there may be other exceptions I am missing here), I do not think it healthy to define yourself by the quality or qualities you do not have.

If you do not engage in the party scene, this lifestyle choice should not be a critical component of your identity. There should be so many other aspects more positively and fully defining you. Maybe you are a person who prefers to stay in, who prefers smaller social settings, or who prefers to spend his or her Friday nights studying a subject of great interest and passion.

Perhaps there is a particular genre of music you do not like. This is great but you do not need to be spending an unnecessary amount of energy criticizing the genre and explaining why you do not like it. What kind of music do you like? The answer to that question should be a far more significant defining factor for you.

Maybe you place a higher value on your family relationships than your friendships. Hopefully, you would be more inclined to define yourself by claiming your family is your highest priority, as opposed to advertising your friendships as lower priorities in your life.

I do not wish to be hypocritical here. I admit I have been tempted to define myself in negative terms as well, and I am sure there are numerous times I have done so.

However, I know when I do define myself in positive terms, I am portraying a much fuller, interesting, and honest picture of myself.

I’ve discussed how I do not have a best friend necessarily but this doesn’t define me. Rather the relationships I do have in my life are what define me. I am not a STEM person but what makes up my identity is my passion for the humanities and social sciences. I am a terrible singer, quite tone deaf, and cannot read music.

Yet, I still love listening to music and seeking out different kinds of music. I let this interest in music define me more than my musical incompetence.

Whatever aspects do not define you should not matter, at least not as much as the aspects which do define you. Allow those people who do have the identity components you do not possess to claim said components as part of their identity. Focus on what you are and you will present a more honest, nuanced, and meaningful vision of yourself.