Scrolling through social media and antique photos can be very painful when you notice the happiness of the past or the happiness of others. The emotions that are displayed in the images and posts pushed me to the depths of my own waters, to realize I am situated in sadness and anger. The feeling of envy toward others. Holding on to a past that was never my own.

A sudden whisper flew into my soul — you lost me. The voice of the child I used to be, the one with all the ambitions to read, eat, and discover the world that lay before them, has come to show me that this kid is now forgotten. I have let go of everything I valued and any interests I engaged in. I can no longer explain myself and my goals to people. I have been left with hatred. The one that I aim at others is bounced back at me. I find a repulsion against myself.

This power of hatred overtakes my fragileness. It tears every ounce of what could be optimism, good self-esteem, and self-love. This feeling that I hold is mirrored outward as a shattered, filthy trophy. One that was destroyed for its deception. A false happiness finally went noticed. I could no longer hide under my own made-up life.

Glancing through the happy memories on my phone demonstrated the worst state I could ever find myself. Seeing myself empty at the turn of the year was a scream for asylum. I had constructed a prison within me and I needed to escape. A search for myself was the sole necessity.

The 12 grapes I ingested this New Year was a cry for myself. I want to rediscover who I was and who I can become. I want to fall in love with myself. Hold myself dearly as I stroll through the bridges and forests of this town. Spend hours with myself in a cafe shop as I read the latest novel of my liking. Or, as I write out each ingredient that makes up my past experience. I want to fall in love with my brain. I hold thoughts and words that can impact readers for the parallels they may find with their own lives.

This state of despair has granted room to find dedication in something; I have decided to dedicate this year to myself. I am the only person that deserves everything for what I have worked for. This year, 2018, and my life overall, will be phenomenal for its authenticity. The journey has now commenced. I think that is what my university was referring to with my graduation ceremony. I can finally be free and enjoy who I am.