In the middle of quarantine, I had already parted ways with someone.
You would think quarantine would condition you to find self-love and move on, right? No, it slowed the process of heartache. Self-isolating and practicing social-distancing religiously has really made its match with the ugly thoughts that go through my head.
"Will they meet someone?"
Probably. The only way they can do that at this point is if they made a Tinder immediately. It's not possible to meet someone at your local store.
"You're being dumb, you both still have feelings (even though you dumped them). You both don't have the heart to do that"
"But they don't have close friends and family down here. Who will they talk to? Coworkers aren't an option right now. They only had you."
Shut up. Shut up.
Love is unapologetically recyclable.
Loving someone is easy. Getting over someone you love is a mission. And being in this quarantine has made me question my intentions of who I want to be in their life. Promises were made and unfulfilled between the two of us. It's lonely here and it is so easy to reach out with a simple text. Texting could be easily avoided with classes and planned hangouts with other people. Being with others would help me forget about them. They could continue with their own thing and I can continue with mine. Unfortunately, the pandemic has turned campus empty with individuals I could speak to and it's not easy to go up to someone and start something. Texting people can only go so far until the conversation becomes stagnant and weird.
Love is confusing.
In weeks, the conversations with them turned more into something I tolerated. Sometimes these conversations meant more. There would be little bursts of "I still love you" and "I hope you're happy." The words are genuine but as a fact, only stated when the nights seemed lonely and self-esteem was low. They were not lies but they were things that should not have been said. In short, I was using them but at the same time, I wasn't. I continued to dream about them and a future together but accepted the fact that we couldn't be together. Because being together only meant pretending the things that were wrong were fine.
In my time during quarantine, I have accepted that love can be painful.
And because I noticed the toll it was taking on me sooner than later, I aborted the new things that seemed to help and went back to the basics: friends silently in love.
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