Another Example:

I share some personal story about how awesome it is growing up and learning to love myself and be an adult and transition from fear to just feminine power and agency, to feel like I’m not a girl asking the world for things, but I’m a woman doing things of my own accord.
Some Mother: And I’ll tell you, the biggest thing that did that for me was having kids. You think you’re an adult, but just wait till you have kids. There are some things you just can’t know until you actually have one of your own. When you have kids, that’s when you become a Woman.
Another Mother: Yeah, I was not really a woman until I had children. It’s something that makes you a Woman and it gives you these instincts that women are meant to have, and until you’ve had kids you just don’t have that.

Countless Other Gems

When I express that I'm not ready:You’ll change your mind.
When I display a skill of any kind: You’ll make such a great mother.
When I describe a dream of how I want to change the world: You will make such a wonderful mother someday.
When I do anything cool ever, just in general: Sometimes I look at you and I just think, she’s gonna make such a great mom some day.
Any time ever that pregnancy is discussed: Now when are YOU thinking of having one of your own?
'It’s just a bond you can’t understand.'
'It’s the most beautiful experience that can ever happen to a woman.'
'My only advice is, don’t wait too long. If you wait till you’re ready, you’ll never be ready.'
'I know you don’t mean that- of course you’re going to have kids soon.'
'Just remember, none of that career stuff is gonna matter once you look into the eyes of your child.'
'You’ll understand once your time comes.'
'Don’t you worry about who will take care of you when you get old?' (???)

OKAY. GUYS. MOMS OF THE WORLD.

WHAT IS THIS?

What is this bizarre, weirdly cultlike pressure to reproduce?

A: If I have a good quality, WHY DO YOU TELL ME I’LL MAKE A GREAT MOTHER INSTEAD OF TELLING ME I HAVE A GOOD QUALITY. I would also make a great lawyer, a great interior decorator, a great manager, a great actress. WHY A GREAT MOTHER.

B: I respect you and the beauty of your choice. I respect that I do not understand. How are you going to disrespect me by telling me MY OWN IDENTITY AND EXPERIENCES are not quite As Valid because I don’t have kids? —–> How are you going to tell me I AM NOT A WOMAN?—–> How can you tell me I DO NOT KNOW LOVE?—–> How can you tell me I am not fulfilling my purpose as existing simply because I have not yet reproduced?

C: How can you call me selfish for making a CHOICE not to have children yet? How is that SELFISH? ——-> Since when do I “owe” children to society?——-> Since when is it selfish to pursue my own dreams?——-> Also, SINCE WHEN IS THERE A TIME LIMIT. I mean, I get biology. But to pressure me that I’d “better hurry up” is to tell me that I don’t know when I’M ready.

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if some people just said “I’m not ready” and were aware of that, because, if I do have kids, I want to give them the best life possible? Why does that make me selfish?——–> Why is it selfish for me to have career goals and aspirations that are not centered around reproduction? MAYBE I HAVE OTHER MERITS TOO. Why is it selfish for me to want to have other experiences? Why can’t I travel? Why can’t I go to Grad School? Why am I a bad member of society for not contributing my seed?——–> ARE THERE NOT ENOUGH UNWANTED, HURTING KIDS IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU PRESSURE ME TO MAKE MORE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT AND TELL ME I’M NOT A REAL PERSON TILL I DO.

Long story short, you are telling me:

- I do not get to be a woman until I reproduce.

- I am inherently inferior and Less-Woman until I reproduce.

- I am selfish for doing things with my life that I choose over reproduction.

- Reproduction should be my primary aim and is the pinnacle of all things.

- I am incapable of feeling love until I reproduce.

- I am going to “change my mind” because “not being ready or sure about wanting kids” is just not a believable, acceptable choice.

- I am violating woman code.

- I am squandering a shared social resource (my womb).

- The pinnacle of all my talents is to be a mother.

- Every strength I have relates to my mothering potential.

- I exist to reproduce and am fundamentally incomplete until I do so.

By This Logic:

- Infertile women are: lesser women, incapable of feeling love, incapable of truly self-actualizing, somehow selfish too (“they can adopt” -an actual thing that was said to me).

I do not think I need to elaborate on how horrifically offensive of a statement it is to strip someone of their “womanhood” because they can’t perform a reproductive function. —-> However, infertile women, “it’s different,” because they don’t have a choice, and “that must be so hard for them to never get to experience that.” But if I am fertile and don’t want to fertilize, that’s just completely unacceptable. It’s only acceptable when you have no choice.

I don't even want to know what you all would be say about transgender women, but just for the record, you're de-legitimizing them too.

Also By This Logic:

- Thinking practically about when I would personally best be fit to have kids, if I choose to, instead of succumbing to social pressure, is SELFISH. I feel like that’s selfless and I feel like that’s a good idea, but yet it is still seen as self-indulgent.

**The overall theme I am witnessing here is this:

the sin itself is the expression of choice.

To express Choice, Agency, or Control over my own reproductive choices is Not My Place, it is Selfish, it makes me Inferior, it makes me Incomplete, it makes me Un-Woman.

BY THIS LOGIC:

To exercise choice over reproduction is un-woman.

To choose self over reproduction is un-woman.

To exercise the agency of Self is to violate social norms of womanhood.

Women do not exist to do things for themselves.

Women have a social duty to be incubators, regardless of person.

Choice is un-womanly.

Women are “out of place” when they exercise reproductive choice.

Because women exist for reproduction, and they, their dreams, ambitions, life plans, and especially their bodies, belong to society- their bodies are in the public domain.

I think having kids is great. I admire and respect it.

I think it’s absurd and completely ridiculous that I’m 24 and people are already telling me these things.

I think moms are amazing and being a mom is amazing and I will never claim to understand it.

However, I think that in no way do women NEED to be moms to be women, in no way are they missing out on self-actualization, and in no way do they owe that to society.

I think being a mom should be a choice- and it IS beautiful beyond description. However, I think there are other equally valid and important choices.

I do not think being a mom is the only choice, or the best choice. I think every choice a woman makes is what she believes to be the best choice for her. I think showing that agency and self-awareness is cool. I think it’s mature. I think it’s awesome.

I think it’s an expression of autonomy, and, in a way, I think it’s SELFLESS to not have children.

I think the Cult of the Mom is creepy.

So for the sake of devil’s advocate, I’m going to play the opposite, so we can think about maybe how ridiculous this social pressure is.

For the sake of showing you how you sound, how there’s two sides to a coin, and in defense of the Women Who Don’t Want To, the women you have called un-woman, and selfish, let’s just say, for example, that the opposite is true.

How about this:

Having children is selfish.–> There are already so many orphans and kids without parents in the world.–> Overpopulation.–> There is so much good I can do in the world, and focusing on perpetuating my gene pool over the world as a whole, is ultimately kinda selfish.–> Isn’t it kinda narcissistic just to want to make little copies of myself.–> Aren’t I being selfish if I know I have propensity to family diseases that I could pass on to a child?–> Is having a child actually fundamentally bettering the world as a whole in any way? There is no shortage of children. Wouldn’t it be better to let people who want children have them, and leave everyone else alone?–> Passing on my own ancestry is not a social good. It’s selfish. I can leave an impact on the next generation through writing, teaching, and bettering the world.–>

I am intentionally bringing a child into a very scary world, and if I do not feel personally ready or safe, that is a selfish decision, because I’d rather have a kid to satisfy my own desires than think about the quality of that kid’s life.–>

Having children requires the vast majority of my time and assets, and it is selfish to pour those time and assets into the proliferation of my own line instead of the world as a whole.–>

Here’s a big inversion for you on the “not woman.” Again, just to repeat the antithesis of what you have said to us:

Women who have kids are less woman. They are unable to express their autonomy to the same extent and to develop themselves because they must invest it all, including their very identity, into the raising of children. Therefore they sacrifice some agency, and are less women. They are “inferior.” They are “incapable of knowing true self-expression because they are crippled by the concern of children, therefore they cannot understand love or self-actualization because they don’t get the chance to develop that. They are in indentured servitude to little people, so they are, in fact, subordinate, and un-woman.”

^^Okay. Now I would never say those things. Those things are obviously untrue. I am not arguing them in the least. But that’s what you’re arguing.That’s what you’re telling me.

And I’m telling you, it is cruel when you invert that line of thinking, and it can absolutely go both ways.

So how about we not be nasty.

How about we not make each other feel bad.

How about we claim our own womanhood and femininity HOWEVER and WHENEVER and to whatever extent it pleases us.

“Womanhood” is not an identity that can be given or taken away by society. It is OURS.

You know what else is ours? Autonomy.

I think it’s awesome that you made that choice. I think it’s beautiful. I would never tell you differently because that is NOT MY PLACE.

And it is not yours.

So stop asking me when I’m going to have kids.

Stop telling me I’m not a woman.

Stop telling me I’m incomplete.

Stop telling me I don’t know love.

Stop telling me I’m being selfish.

Stop telling me I’ll change my mind.

You’re not really mad that I’m not having children.

In fact, I would probably love to one day.

You’re mad that I’m expressing autonomy of choice.

You’re mad that I’m considering other options.

You’re mad that I don’t view that as my ultimate potential.

You’re mad that I dare be selfish enough to make choices based on my best interest, something women are not supposed to do.

You’re mad that I consider it a choice, and that I, a woman, am exercising choice.

You’re not mad that I’m not having babies. You’re mad cause I’m acting like a man.