I’m sorry I didn’t see it sooner, I wish I would have. I wish I would have listened to all those people that I pushed away thinking they were wrong even though they were right. I’m sure after a while they thought I just didn’t care or maybe they thought I was in denial, but either way nothing makes up for any of it. I should have listened and not have tried to fight through it all by myself because it didn’t get me anywhere.
I think it was just too hard for me to even see. I thought I was the same person, but without even realizing it I had changed. Some times people change for the better, but in my situation it was for the worse. I listened to people tell me that I wasn’t as happy as I used to be, but to be honest I didn’t even know what that meant anymore. Eventually I knew and I could start seeing it in the way others acted towards me and the way I acted towards them. I was no longer speaking to them with love, but I was speaking to them the way I felt inside. They no longer had to tell me I wasn’t the person they once knew because their actions said it all.
I convinced myself that I could fix myself. That I could talk myself out of the person I was turning into and turn around and go back to who I was. I told myself that I was going to pick up all of my broken pieces, but I couldn’t and I couldn’t stand that. I was so upset that I couldn’t do it on my own and all I did was make myself worse by doing so. I tried and tried and tried and continuously failed to heal myself.
I asked myself the same questions every day for months, “What am I doing wrong?”, “Why can I not go back to who I was?” “Why can I not be genuinely happy?” Then one day I realized that I was trying to change for all the wrong reasons. I was trying to change so I could prove to people that I could go back to who I was and I realized that I had nothing to prove to them. I shouldn’t have been strictly changing for others, I should have been trying all those years for myself as well.