Dear Self-Proclaimed 'Nice Guys': You Aren't
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Relationships

Dear Self-Proclaimed 'Nice Guys': You Aren't

These are the reasons why "nice guys" aren't actually all that nice.

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Dear Self-Proclaimed 'Nice Guys': You Aren't
Everyday Know

When I was about 15 or so, I had a guy around my age whom I went to high school with constantly messaging me on Facebook. It never stopped- “Hey,” “How are you?” “Hey beautiful,” or “How is your day?” Every time I saw one of his messages pop up, I was wracked with guilt. Was there something wrong with me? Am I intentionally striving to pursue relationships with the wrong kind of guys?

At one point, he even tagged me in a Facebook status asking me to a see a movie with him. My mom saw it and enthusiastically suggested that I go with him because I don’t usually aim for relationships with guys who seem this nice. I briefly considered, but ended up declining. Little did I know that he would even pull the same exact method a few years later with my younger sister!

I believe that young women, millennials and teenagers, are often accused of intentionally pursuing romantic relationships they know will be unsuccessful because we simply don’t wish to be in relationships with men who treat us with dignity and respect, and this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Of the few guys that I’ve seriously dated and had genuine, romantic feelings for at one point or another, none of these men attempted to pursue a relationship through THIS method- pestering and harassment. What this behavior displays on the part of guys who do pursue relationships in this way is a major insecurity and a huge lack of confidence. When you don’t pick up on the hint that a woman isn’t interested in pursuing a relationship, a major weakness is sensed.

In contemporary times, the majority of single women are confident, independent and self-sufficient- and when we strive to change our relationship status, we seek out men who are the same as us. In other words, we desire men who are capable of remaining independent and self-sufficient in their single life and that aren’t trying to constantly pester and harass women (as well as their younger sisters) in order to change their relationship status.

But the issue of a lack of confidence and major insecurity are just the tip of the iceberg of a much deeper issue a lot of young women are dealing with today- that is, men who aren’t simply badgering women in their inboxes and DMs to get a dinner date, but men who also react angrily and even violently when they are rejected.

Luckily enough, in the age of social media, women are slowly beginning to join together on the same team when it comes to creepy and dangerous men with stalker tendencies. When another woman reaches out for help, women around her are usually pretty quick to jump to her aid in order to defend her and all women from these creepy assholes. I had to do this myself, just a few weeks ago.

A friend of mine that I went to school with, delicate and sweet as a flower, wouldn’t hurt a fly, posted a screenshot on her personal social media account of a pathetic boy actually a few years younger than her who attempted to pursue a romantic relationship with her. When she politely declined, he immediately went on the attack- even going so far as to make fun of her acne.

I’ve seen plenty of screenshots and other evidence that shows women who reject men, regardless of how civil and polite the method of rejection is, are often heavily insulted, called names like “whore,” “slut” and “bitch,” the worst names that one could possibly think of to call a woman. And the mind-blowing thing about this is that these horrible, God-awful insults are coming from self-proclaimed “nice guys,” who usually start off conversations being as “nice” as one could possibly imagine- going from excessively complimenting her appearance to assuring her that she deserves the world and more.

This is usually a huge red flag. The truly good men out there will pursue a romantic relationship with you not only by being themselves and toning down the compliments to a less creepy minimum, but will converse with you in a way that does not make you feel uncomfortable, pressured to reply, and that most certainly will not make you fearful.

I have touched on seemingly two levels of males that pester or harass women in this way- the first one, appearing harmless, will repeatedly make advances without taking a hint. The second type of man is the one who resorts to hurling horrendous insults- like a toddler but much, much worse- when he doesn’t get his way. The third type of man is somehow even worse than this because the third type of man resorts to violence.

If we’re connecting these behavioral descriptions to instances of rape or sexual assault, women in these instances are frequently reprimanded for not defending themselves against an attack and resisting in whatever way possible. The best reason for these is related to statistics provided by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one of which states that 94% of the victims of murder-suicides within intimate, romantic relationships are female, placing females at a much, much higher risk of being killed for resisting instances of unwanted sexual advances and other forms of abuse.

In other words, women aren’t resisting unwanted advances- whether physical, sexual, or other- from men because they simply don’t want to, but because many women are unable to for fear of losing their own life.

It’s important to remember that these 3 types of men are all related to one another, and each overlaps with the one that precedes it. Pestering and badgering can quickly turn to mental and emotional abuse just as mental and emotional abuse can quickly turn to physical violence. What these 3 types of men have in common are not merely a lack of confidence, deep insecurity, tendencies toward abuse and arguably mommy issues, but a sense that women innately OWE something to men in return for basic human decency and kindness, and these 3 types of men believe this to be true because it has been embedded into our structural society- our places of education, our religious institutions, and even through legislation on the part of our own government.

This idea is also clearly passed down through interpersonal relationships within the family. It also has both psychological and sociological explanations. Whatever the explanation, it doesn’t make the fact that women are somehow expected to submit to men through our time, attention, and more any less sick and wrong.

What gives us a small glimmer of hope outside of the first 3 types of men is the 4th type, one completely independent and autonomous of the first 3 types and making up what I personally believe to be the majority of men, and that is the truly kind man. The man who maintains enough confidence, independence and self-sufficiency that he doesn’t believe in harassing women for months on end to “just give him a chance,” and certainly the man who disregards the notion that women are owed him something in exchange for acts and words of human dignity as well as any form of coercion or violence as an effective and humane method of getting his way.

These are certainly the men women strive to have by our side, regardless if their affection and method of pursuance is as obvious as the stalkers or not. Furthermore, I’m hopeful and confident that along with the feminist movement, along with women helping, protecting and defending other women, along with our collective work to tear down dangerous social norms, and hopefully with our mating with men of the 4th kind, that the first 3 kinds will eventually be obliterated within the next few generations to come.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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