Dear Mr. President,

Hello. It isn't much of a secret that I'm not a big fan of yours, but I'm going to write you this letter regardless. You see, I have some questions. Don't worry, none of them are political – I'm sure you get enough of those in your day-to-day life. Instead, I have some broad questions that a man in your position probably has answers to. I mean, the president has to know just about everything in the most top-secret FBI files, right? Anyway, let me dive into the questions to save us both some time.

1. Do aliens exist?

I mean, let's be realistic. The universe is unfathomably huge. There has to be some other form of life out there. In all of our space explorations, I feel like the world has definitely stumbled upon something big. I'm just wondering if the aliens out there have tried to contact us or if we've contacted them. Are they small and green like everyone thinks? I need to know.

2. Is there a cure for cancer?

A lot of conspiracy theorists think the government has discovered a cure for cancer, but keep it under lock and key because the cancer industry brings in too much revenue. I don't believe this, mainly because it's extremely depressing if it's true. Please tell me this isn't the case.

3. Who did 9/11?

Was it Bush? The US Government? The Islamic radicals? This is one of the biggest mysteries in American history. Knowing the answer doesn't change the tragedy, I know that, but I can't help but be curious. Plus, my brother is convinced that Bush did 9/11, and I'd love to prove him wrong.

4. What does "covfefe" mean?

Ah, your newest viral mistake: covfefe. Was it a spelling error, like the majority of people believe, or does it truly have a secret meaning? There's a pretty convincing Twitter argument that "covfefe" was supposed to read "conference"--it's alright, we're all human; typos happen to the best of us, especially when we open Twitter in the middle of the night. Maybe, next time, you could just clarify your mistake instead of messing with us.

5. Is your hair real?

It can't be, right? I mean, you're getting up there in age and you've still got a fluffy head of hair. Yellow hair, nonetheless. What's your secret? Hair transplants? An expensive wig? Your hair has created many amazing memes, with my personal favorite being the one comparing your locks in the wind to an ear of corn.

I'd really appreciate it if you could take some time out of your day, log out of your Twitter, and answer my most pressing questions. The world would thank you. Or at least I would. Isn't that enough?

Love,
Nicole