Dear God,

You gave me the news that I might not be able to be in the National Guard because of a medical condition I used to have. These Petit Mal Seizures that I was born with, no one else had them in my family. They literally came out of nowhere. I know You gave me them for a reason, but I don't understand why!

It's one thing if I was born with them, received my medicine, successfully got rid of them, and had no more problems. But that wasn't good enough for You, was it? Instead of the pills fully working, I still have the brain activity of a seizure regularly! I function just fine, but because of this one little detail, it'll stop me from enlisting. You just had to keep me from going, didn't you?

TEC was a retreat I attended about a year ago and all I wanted was to help out with it. Guess who didn't get called? It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't pray for it, but here I am, still praying like I think I'm going to get called, I'm fooling myself aren't I?

Lucky, the same weekend as TEC is another retreat called Quest, I've been praying to work this since the last one in December. Due to this, I am very worried I will not get called to work Quest and it makes me mad!

If that wasn't enough, since November I was praying, every. single. night. that I am able to get into the State FFA Choir. I got the news that I didn't. I prayed for so long, and it's just constant "no"s in my life! Why can't You just f*cking stop?

Then there's her, a friend of mine who is fighting for her life every day! She's scared of her own thoughts. Why can't you stop her? When I go to bed, every night I am so scared her final breathe will be that night. I honestly don't think I'm strong enough to take on this trial! Why can't You take all of this pain away?

I know You have a plan for me, I know You know what's best for me. I just don't understand why You have to make it seem like everything is a no! I also know this is probably a bunch of trails with You being up in Heaven and You telling me "trust me".

It doesn't make it better. However, I know Your plan is better than I could imagine, just please give me at least one "yes" so I know everything is okay. Becuase right now, I feel like nothing is okay and that my life is completely out of control.