Often times, I ponder the many things that I would change if I could go back to my pre-teen years. I will admit that a lot of what I have gone through has made me the person I am today. Would I have turned out more wise and understanding if I hadn't gone through what I did? Or would I be more of a trusting, less paranoid, and extra confident individual? Well, unfortunately for me, I will never know the answer to these questions. We can't change our past, but we can always enhance our futures to make it anything that we want it to be.

In 2011, I was fourteen years old and still trying to find my place in the world. I was a short, awkward, badly hair damaged, Lady Gaga and Hot Topic obsessed pre-teen. I was also dealing with deep intensive depression and a confusing sexuality that I had not fulled grasped on to yet. That year was the darkest of my life and even as a remissness on it, I can't help, but re-invite so many of these unwelcome feelings back in. I was nowhere near the type of person I am today. I would often times find myself dreaming of this woman who was unafraid, bold, and who was irrevocably herself. Her name was Melanie and she was my alter ego. I wanted to be her so bad because she was truly happy. Something that at that time period I couldn't say I related to. I didn't realize until a few years later that I had everything in my being to be Melanie. I just needed to believe that I was her deep down.

I have been a victim of intense bullying since I was twelve years old. I have always been an eccentric type of person. My individuality is my shield in life. Not only does it protect me, but it makes me different, which I have always felt inside. I have never been the type of person to dream in gray, but in a rainbow of colors. Being this type of kid and growing up in mostly white schools definitely made me prey for the bullies. I was often times called an oreo because of the way I dressed, the music I listened to, and for the way I talked. Even my White friends would come up to me and tell me the reason that they liked me was because I was not the "average" type of Black kid. I was more like them and it made them more comfortable. Constantly being forced into labels like they are definitive boxes that make you who you are made me disassociate myself with a lot of Black kids that I went to school with. It would often times leave me wishing and wanting to be White.

I think the biggest thing I struggled with at fourteen was the thought that I could be gay. I did not know what that meant at that age and how it would affect my life. I looked at it as this curse/test that God had bestowed on me. To either resist my temptations of the flesh and live pure in his image or cave into my desires and live a fruitless life. I tried my hardest not to turn away from God, but I often times found myself choosing between who I am and my faith. I know now that doesn't have to be in any way. Yet, for a good six years I struggled to find my way and I am so to say that finally have. It is the thing I am most happy about within myself. Once I finally accepted who I am and the things I can't change about myself, I saw this magnificent change within. I am far from completed, but the journey has been so beautiful that I refuse to change anything about it.