Dear Clueless Freshman,

You’ve come so far, and tried so hard but in the end, you still are clueless. I understand, campus is tough, adjusting is hard, but there’s not much you can do other than learning by example.

If you go out, and I encourage you to, please have a clue. It’s time you learn your limits because puking in public isn’t pretty. Your friends should not have to carry you home all the time. You can have your bad nights, but don’t make it a habit. And as much as we love watching you make out with every frat boy you meet, we don’t. It’s a total freshman move and it’s time you learn to start avoiding those.

I understand that losing your keys is a genuine concern, but that doesn’t make the lanyard ok. It’s time to get a key ring and stop wearing something that literally signifies to everyone that you’re a freshman. You can do this! We all did so don’t believe for a second that you can’t too.

It’s time to stop wearing the Class of 2019 shirt and trying to tell us that you’re a junior. We get it, you don’t want to rep that you’re the youngest class on campus, but in order to convincingly lie about your age, you can’t keep wearing that shirt. Really, you just can’t. You can keep it around because a free shirt is a free shirt, but recognize that it’s really only good for sleeping.

By now you should be involved in something on campus, and if not, that’s a good place to start. You want to make this campus feel smaller, and in order to do that you should join literally anything. I’m a big proponent of Greek life but club sports or other organizations might be the thing for you. You just want to be a part of something as then you can also learn from members of that how to not flaunt your freshiness.

This one might be hard to understand at first, but hang with me here. It is unnecessary to tell everyone about all your good grades all the time. Congratulations on earning an A on that test, no one cares. That sounds harsh but here’s the thing; everyone is working hard to get good grades so you flaunting yours around is either not news to anyone or bragging. You’re either preaching to the choir or making someone feel dumb. Neither are great options so just tell your parents and keep that for your resumé.

Branch out. I understand a lot of people peak in high school but even if you did, it’s still good to branch out. You didn’t come to college to relive high school, so make friends you didn’t know before. It’s nice to make new friends, even if in addition to your high school friends. There is always room for more.

Most importantly, go to class. I get it, not having to go to class all the time is a tempting offer, but you won’t actually know the material if you don’t go. You can do this, you can wake up in time. Just do it, seriously. You’ve got this clueless freshman, you can make it through.

Sincerely,

Older, Slightly Wiser Student