Dear Anxiety, I Want You To Know How You've Made Me Feel My Entire Life

Dear Anxiety, I Want You To Know How You've Made Me Feel My Entire Life

Yes, I'm talking to you.
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Dear Anxiety,

I've always been told that it's inappropriate to show up at a gathering to which you were not invited, but I guess you don't have a problem with that. You waltzed into my life without even asking my permission and became an unbearable weight upon my shoulders.

You make the simplest things in the world some of the most difficult tasks.

Hanging out with friends? Oh, they probably all secretly dislike me anyways. Choosing what to eat for dinner? I want the chicken, but the OCD is saying that if I don't have the beef, then my family will die. Going in to take a test that I have prepared days for? Totally reasonable to have a panic attack in the bathroom beforehand.

Some of my what should be my fondest memories are tarnished by your ill will and persistent presence.

You take beautiful moments and wreck them with unappreciated moments from the past and questionable thoughts of the future. No matter how much you make me mull over the past and worry about the present, it will not change a thing. All it makes me do is feel overwhelmed. It is a waste of time and a waste of energy and, while I see that it is those things, I still cannot stop. You are too powerful.

In my biology classes, we have been learning about parasites.

They drain the energy from their host ceases to exist. You, anxiety, are my parasite. You drain me of life, energy, and happiness. You leave me a mere hollow shell of myself. And, just like a lot of parasites, I am the only one who knows you are there. From the outside looking in, no one else can tell that you're in me, torturing me with everything that you do.

While it sucks that you ruin my life, that's not even the worst part about having you around.

You really want to know the worst part? You make me hurt the people whom I love the most. You make me into someone who is weak, negative, and panicky. You make me say things that ordinarily I would never say. You make me bother them with the constant questions of reassurance.

I hate the feeling of suffocating.

Feeling like I have no escape from my brain is the worst turmoil you could bestow upon me. Having my heart speed up for no reason at all is dreadful. Not wanting to make a single decision because of OCD's repercussions being a living hell.

You've done a pretty good job at making me feel worthless, I'll give you that.

But, you know what? Through it all, I have never given up. I'm still here; I'm still fighting. I don't want you to go away, no. I want you to diminish into the tiniest little voice in my brain and to realize that you no longer have power over me and that you never will again. I want you to know how you've made me feel my entire life.

Best wishes,

Anxious gal

Cover Image Credit: Pexels.com

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22 New Things That I Want To Try Now That I'm 22

A bucket list for my 22nd year.

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"I don't know about you but I'm feelin' 22," I have waited 6 long years to sing that and actually be 22! Now 22 doesn't seem like a big deal to people because you can't do anything that you couldn't do before and you're still super young. But I'm determined to make my 22nd year a year filled with new adventures and new experiences. So here's to 22.

1. Go sky diving.

What's crazier than jumping out of a plane? (Although I'll probably try indoor skydiving first.)

2. Go cliff jumping/diving.

I must be the only Rhode Islander who hasn't gone to Jamestown and jumped off a cliff.

3. Ride in a hor air balloon.

Up, up and away.

4. Try out skiing.

Cash me in the next Olympics, how bout dat.

5. Try out snow boarding.

Shawn White, I'm coming for you.

6. Go bungee jumping.

Because at least this time I'll be attached to something.

7. Go to Portugal.

I mean I'm Portuguese so I have to go at some point, right?

8. Go to Cape Verde.

Once again, I'm Cape Verdean so I have to go.

9. Vist one of the seven wonders of the world.

I mean hey, Egypt's on, my bucket list.

10. Try out surfing.

It's only natural that somebody from the Ocean State knows how to surf.

11. Learn a new langauge.

Because my little bit of Portuguese, Spanish and Latin isn't cutting it anymore.

12. Travel to a state that I've never been to before.

Fun fact: I've only been to 17 of the 50 states.

13. Go paddle boarding.

Pretty boring but I've never done it.

14. Go scuba diving.

I'm from the Ocean State so I guess I should see the ocean up close and personal.

15. Learn how to line dance.

There's actually a barn in my state that does line dancing, so this one will definitely get crossed off.

16. Go kayaking.

All this water around me and I haven't done a lot of the water activites.

17. Stay the night in a haunted hotel room.

I bet if I got my friends to come with me, it would be like the Suite Life of Zach and Cody episode, minus the ghost coming out of the wall but you never know.

18. Get my palms read.

Because who doesn't want to know their future.

19. Go to a medium.

Like a medium that can communicate with people that have died.

20. Take a helicopter ride.

Air plane: check Helicopter:....

21. Sleep under the stars.

Because sleeping in a tent is more like glamping than camping

22. Just to try new things in my everyday life.

Whether it's trying a new restaurant, getting something different at my usual restaurants, changing my usual style, going on the scary rides at amusement parks, and bringing things I used to do back into my life now.

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Be Patient With Yourself

Change is never instant.

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When you set a new goal for yourself or feel yourself getting back into old habits, it can seem easy to be discouraged. Perhaps you've been trying to change some aspect of your life, and you're just not seeing the results you've wished for. When life throws curveballs at us, we can feel like we've been hit with something major and difficult to conquer.

Change seems to be something that never happens as quickly as we would like; it takes time, courage, and patience in order to enact change. Changing some aspect of our personal lives can be challenging. Doing this can push us beyond our comfort zones and into situations that we never imagined ourselves in. Despite what our minds may trick us into thinking, these situations may not be as bad as they seem.

I find it easy to be patient with other people. I let them take their time and want them to take as much as they need in order to complete a task. Why don't I give myself the same compassion when I want to change some aspect of my life? Why do I seem to quickly become impatient with myself? Although it's okay to be hard on ourselves occasionally, we should also be able to be kind to ourselves as well.

Being patient takes practice and skill, and patience is not a quality that every person has. However, when it comes to our own selves, it's important to remember that we are humans and that we are not perfect. Becoming patient with ourselves will allow for more positivity in our lives, instead of constant harshness.

In my life right now, I am going through physical, emotional, and spiritual changes. Throughout my journey of personal change, I have let myself grow more and more patient with myself. I take small steps to reach my larger goals, but I haven't always had this mindset. A few months ago, I would have been disappointed in my progress towards my personal goals. But, after changing my mindset and realizing that I need to be patient with the change that is to come, I have celebrated any and all progress.

It's the little things that allow for more patience. Today, I ran a half mile further, wrote down how I was feeling, and looked up Bible verses pertaining to my current situation. These things may seem so small, but they indicate progress towards my goals of change. The small things often add up to larger, more definite things.

Increasing patience for ourselves in our personal and professional lives can have a positive impact. We need to take time to initiate change, and there should be no rush. After all, change is not instant. The people we envision ourselves being may be different from who we are now, but we will get there one day through being patient with ourselves and our progress.

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