We have been together for years now. I still recall our first encounter; I sat in my room alone as you suffocated me with thoughts of worthlessness.
You wouldn't allow me to talk to anyone. I should have walked away right then but you held my hand daily and took me to places that I never asked to go. You made me hide you from the world, but things can only stay hidden for so long.
People have been telling me that we aren't a good pair, and they are right. So, I'm breaking up with you.
You never did treat me fairly. Every morning when I woke up you reminded me of the day that I would have to face. The day of worrying if the girls sitting two tables down from me were talking about me, even though they hadn't even looked my way, or if the compliment that the cashier gave me was out of pity because it just looked like I needed a compliment. And the mornings when I would wake up feeling slightly strong enough and the day felt bearable, you reminded me of the millions of reasons why I should dread the hours to come.
Somedays I can't even start a conversation with a person that I am so intrigued by without worrying that I am being nothing more than a bother. But no Anxiety, you are the bother.
You were such a good liar.
You convinced me that it was okay to smile at the world while bottling up the pain and doubts. You convinced me that my being generally just upset those around me. Somedays you convinced me that my existence was pointless.
I had everyone fooled because you had me fooled.
I remember the time I text my best friend and received a one-word response. A one-word response was acceptable for the message I sent, but you, anxiety, convinced me that the one-word response was equivalent to "never text me again."
I spent that whole week avoiding a conversation with them because I felt that they were avoiding me. I felt that they were angry at me, despite them constantly assuring me that they weren't. I spent the whole week trying to escape my best friend. I spent the whole week trying to escape their anger; their anger that never existed.
I never liked you. You knew that, so why couldn't you just let me go? Why did you have to have such a captive hold over me?
I can't open up to people, and you are the reason.
I am terrified of them walking away the moment I offer my heart. You have taught me that that is what people do because you have taught me that people are cruel, especially to a girl like me. You have taught me that nobody wants to deal with the broken girl. So why have you broken me?
I am telling you these things as a reminder to you. A reminder of all of the crippling ways you have handicapped me. And as a reminder to me. A reminder that I don't need your negative impact to control me.
I know that letting go isn't just something that I will do overnight. But realizing that you are present is the first step. I am done worrying about the world leaving me to sit alone in my thoughts, haunting me. Because the reality is, you are the one who has haunted me, and I don't want to sleep anymore.
I am stronger than you.
That is one thing about the girl that you have broken, she isn't afraid to pick up her own pieces.
You see, the thing is, all of these years you have told me that I am alone, but I have finally let go of your hand and I can see the truth behind your lies. There are people on this earth who love me. People who will never leave, and people who will. But in order to make myself happy, I have to focus on the positive impacts that both groups of people will leave on me. Positive impacts that you never left.
I will learn to open up and I will allow myself to shut down because these are emotions and I deserve to feel.
People aren't afraid of the broken girl, and without you, I'm not broken.
The truth is, even if this world decided to leave me on my own to face the hardships it has to offer, I still wouldn't be alone. I have learned to place my faith in someone much greater than you. Someone much greater than me. Someone much greater than the world.
I have learned to place my faith in someone who is there even when you are taunting me. Someone who loves me unconditionally despite what you have told me. Someone who isn't just there for me, but someone who wants to be there with me.
I am loved even though you told me that nobody ever could, and that is all I need to keep going on and to let you go.
So this, anxiety, is my final goodbye.
I know that you will linger around. I know that some days you will decide to attack me full force, but I also know that I will not give up. Because if I give up, you win. And you will not win.