If you aren’t an anxious person, maybe reading this will help you understand a bit better. And if you are, I’m sure you can relate to most of what I’m about to say, and I’m so sorry for that, I know it sucks…

So to begin, let’s define it.

Anxiety: [noun]

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

And boy ain’t that the truth…

First and foremost, I’m not lazy. And I’m sure as hell not passive or irresponsible. Being anxious doesn’t mean I’m a bad student or a bad person altogether. It means just that, I’m an anxious person. I’m nervous 99.99% of the time and overthink things that other people wouldn’t think twice about.

Yes, there are some days that I really don’t want to leave my bed. I just want to crawl into a ball and sleep, or lie there and do absolutely nothing. So please don’t take offense when I decline invitations—because chances are, I wanted to go. But my anxiety took over my body and I’m just too physically and mentally exhausted to do anything besides lay down and binge watch Netflix. I’d rather make a nest in my bed than feel like a burden or a killjoy in a group outing, and I’m sorry if you take that wrong.

And too, with any situation that happens… I always think of the worst-case scenario. And I will obsess over every detail until I tire myself out and crash out. A simple comment or change in body language will send me into a downward spiral, and I will overthink every part of it until I absolutely hate everything about myself. I can’t help it. It’s just how my brain is wired and what I notice about every single situation I am a part of. And believe me, if I’ve ever talked to you or spent time with you, just know I overthought everything about that encounter, and I probably had a panic attack afterward, too. And most likely, it was over some of the tiniest things, which you probably didn’t even notice happened.

As well, continuing with the idea of conversing. Just know that every conversation I’ve ever had, I’ve replayed in my head about 100 times over, making sure I didn’t say anything wrong. And nine times out of ten, why I try to avoid confrontation at all costs. I hate confrontation—almost as much as I hate thinking about my future.

It seems like every other day I am having a panic attack about my future, and what I want to do for the rest of my life. And I’m seeing all these other college students being successful with their internships, their careers—everything I hope to someday have for myself; but I am so beyond terrified of it all. Thinking about it makes my throat feel like it’s closing, and my stomach churns with the thought of college graduation, and “adulting”. It almost seems impossible some days to make to the next, my anxiety paralyzes me so badly, that sometimes I can’t even think about how difficult the future will be if this is me now…and the thought of it just makes me want to crawl into my bed and sleep for years.

And because of all of this, I always feel like I need to apologize and excuse myself for being a burden to the people I care about. I hate feeling like a pain or a nuisance, and that makes me want to run and hide even more. So, I’m sorry…

And the scariest part about it all, many would never even know that I deal with anxiety on a day-to-day basis. I look like a normal twenty-one-year-old girl trying to live her life the best they can. I try hiding it the best I can and put on a fake smile until I feel like it’s become real. And don’t get me wrong—sometimes it does, but other days… not so much.

It’s just who I am. But it doesn't mean that's all I am. I am still a girl. But I am a girl with high-functioning anxiety. And I’m living with it, every day.

But I’m trying, and that’s all that matters.

So next time you talk about anxiety like you’re Einstein and know it all, just think, the person standing next to you could be struggling with that exact thing; getting eaten alive with anxiousness… and you would never ever know.