When I was 19, I trudged through my first "real" romantic breakup.
I'd worked with the boy for a little over a year, and we had been together for just short of 6 months (or 7, depending on who you ask). I cried for a couple of days, emptying a tissue box or two, and ate my weight in the richest chocolate ice cream I could get my hands on. I wondered if I'd made an error, googling things like, "How long does it take to get over a breakup?" and "What do I do if I think I made a mistake?" Pathetic, I know, but I hadn't dealt with an adult romantic breakup prior to that point.
This was, for the most part, accepted by my family and friends: support, reassurance, and "you's a strong independent woman who don't need no man" sentiments were consistently offered while I was pulling myself together. It was expected that I be heartbroken over the end of a romantic relationship.
It is not, however, generally expected for one to be this kind of devastated after losing a friend through a platonic breakup. Sure, you can be upset and talk about it, but what kind of advice can be offered? "You's an independent person who don't need no friends" isn't nearly as uplifting as the "no man" version, and often times an, "I'm sorry," is all that can be said.
I would argue that losing a friend through a breakup is just as painful as, or more painful than, a romantic or intimate relationship dissolution. Having somebody by your side for years, only to figure out you're no longer compatible, or that you've been replaced, or that your friendship doesn't mean as much to them as it does you, is absolutely agonizing. Mourning this break up is crucial in allowing yourself closure, and should be encouraged in order to allow you to heal.
Because it isn't mainstream to mourn the breakup of friends, I've compiled a handful of tips that have provided me with guidance in the midst of platonic breakups.
Make a game plan for what happens if you see them.
If you're like me and live in a town with any less than hundreds of thousands of people, it's likely you'll run into this person at some point, some where. Will you be prepared for when that happens?
Run through a course of action in your mind, and have a few ideas you can execute if need be. Maybe you can pull your phone out and phone a friend or a family member to stay preoccupied, and avoid confrontation. Maybe you can nod or wave to the person, cordially acknowledging their existence but not appearing too inviting. Whatever you believe will work best for you, do it.
This will help you when going out in public, especially in places you know they frequent often. Being prepared to see them will result in less shock for you, and will better prepare you to see them as just another person.
Stop using nicknames you gave them.
One of my best friends is in my phone under the contact name of "I have the power of god and anime on my side," due to our mutual adoration of Vine. If anything were to happen to our relationship to cause our friendship to cease, I would feel compelled to change her contact information back to her name.
You see, by keeping nicknames in your phone, and by referring to them by nicknames, no matter how simple, when speaking of them, it keeps the positivity you've associated with them relevant. Referring to them by their names makes them just another person, instead of somebody close to you. This will (hopefully) keep you from smiling too much should they message or call you, and will help you be able to talk about them as just a person, not a friend.
Personally, I like to refer to people by their full names to help me get over them. So, for example, some people call me "Abbs" because my shortened name is "Abby." If a friend was to break up with me, they could change my name in their phone from "Abbs" to "Abigail Huse," as that's my full name, and would lack relevance to "Abbs."
Organize your photos with this person so that you won't see them.
Now, this doesn't exactly mean that you need to burn your Polaroids and erase folders on your computer (unless you want to!), but, for the first few months, it's easiest if you don't risk being reminded of how much you experienced with them.
Take the photos off your bedroom wall, put them in a box, and tuck it under your bed. Move the photos from last summer's road trip, the concert from two years ago, and your freshman year of high school prom to a single folder on your computer. Placing the photos somewhere that keeps them out of your vision will allow you to heal, but will keep them around for a trip down memory lane in the future.
Reconnect with other friends.
If the friendship was significant enough to cause you pain in it's ending, chances are that you spent a lot of your time with this one person.
If this is the case, reconnecting with your other friends is going to be crucial in your healing from the breakup. Spending time with other friends will decrease the amount of time that you're alone and thinking about the situation, and will take up time that you might have been spending with the ex-friend.
You can create new experiences with these friends, leading to stronger platonic relationships, newly developed interests, and new photos to hang on your walls in place of the old ones.
Distance yourself on social media.
Don't watch their Snapchat stories. Don't scroll through their profile on Facebook or Instagram. Don't retweet them.
If you see them living happily, and you aren't a part of the equation to that happiness, it's going to hurt you. A lot. Do yourself a favor and distance yourself from them on the internet, even if that means unfollowing and blocking them.
Talk about it.
Talk to your friends and family about how frustrating it is to be losing this person. Let it out; cry, scream, or go for a long drive with sad music. If you don't really feel this breakup, it'll come back later and hurt worse than it would have initially.
Mulling over your thoughts with somebody else is far more effective in working out a solution to your emotions than working through it on your own, or pretending they don't exist. A trusted friend or family member that you can express this to will be a big help, especially because if they know what you're thinking, they'll be better equipped to offer the kind of support and comfort you need.
That being said, try to keep the "shit talking" to a minimum. Remember, this person was important to you at one point in your life, and speaking poorly of them won't fix anything long term.
Treat yo'self!
Take a hot bath or shower. Eat tons of ice cream. Buy a new outfit. Go out to dinner at your favorite restaurant. Have a drink. After all, it is a breakup.
If you've spent a lot of time with this individual the past few months (or years), there's a big possibility that you've exerted a significant amount of energy into their well being - but, what about you? Take this time to rediscover your likes and dislikes, and explore them on your own in order to reestablish who you are without this person.
Go do things you couldn't do with your friend. They didn't like Chinese food? Order takeout three days that week. They preferred to stay around the area because car rides "weren't their thing?" Take a road trip to a city you've always wanted to see. They didn't like the same music you did? Make an entire playlist of the music they couldn't stand, and listen to it every opportunity you get.
Remind yourself why it ended - and appreciate that it did.
Maybe the friendship was toxic from the beginning, but you already had an emotional attachment to the person and couldn't see it - now's the time to reflect on this, and realize that it might be good that they're no longer in your life.
As silly as it might sound, think about the negative. Consider why you'll be better off getting closer to your other friends, or making new friends, as opposed to sticking around somebody who was consistently harmful. Use this negativity to fuel this new chapter of your life without this person, and to push you through the breakup blues.
Did they hate your dog? Were they mean to waitstaff? Did they treat your family with respect, or get annoyed every time your younger sibling interjected? Did they place themselves on a pedestal with you at their feet?
Why would you want to be friends with somebody like that anyway?