I wish so badly that I understood the kind of love the movies portray. It's not that I don't believe in love, or that I've never been in love, but in real life- I have yet to star in my own romantic comedy that I accordingly feature throughout my Instagram page. I don't know what many people's relationships are like behind closed doors, so it's hard to tell from pictures just how happy some people really are, but from a lot of what I can see, there are some damn happy couples out there, and I have to admit, I am low key jealous.

I am genuinely intrigued by people's healthy relationships, and as someone who used to mock (out of repressed jealousy) people flaunting their relationships on the internet, I am recently finding myself more curious than offended and personally victimized by their happiness. Some people just really seem to have that undeniable spark, and as I am beginning to date (in a healthy manner) for the first time in my life, I find myself in hopes of the elusive spark. It's the spark I see in movies and the spark I see between some couples I know in real life. I want to believe in that kind of connection, and I do believe it's out there, but as someone who is just returning to the world of relationships, I am skeptical, to say the least. And I, like many, have my reasons.

I mean, first off, from what I have read ten thousand times and have been told over a million, "you can't be in a relationship until you discover yourself". Okay, the only problem with that is that I think we're all constant works in progress and I don't see myself really getting my shit together any day soon. It's a freaking process to maintain a healthy and balanced lifestyle. But at the same time, I agree. I agree that a person can't be with someone else until they love themselves, and like many others who struggle with their insecurities, I'm not quite there yet. When we enter a relationship, we must make sacrifices and sometimes put someone else's needs in front of our own, and that's a tough thing to do.

Recently, I have gotten through my first mini-breakup that will most likely be the first in a series of God knows how many. That's another reason to be distrustful towards relationships- they involve dating. UGH. Dating is basically talking to someone for a few weeks to a few months and then after using up a bunch of emotion and vulnerability and possible gut-wrenching openness, there's a good chance they won't be the one. There's also a chance they will be, but let's be honest with ourselves, it's much smaller.

This particular guy opened my eyes in many ways, and instead of being bitter, I'd like to take an opportunity to reflect on what playing the role of "girlfriend" for a month taught me.

Let's call him Jack. I think we all know a Jack- you know: good looking, maybe a little quirky, maybe a little cynical, independent, makes you feel special, clever. Etc., etc.

But as much as Jack and I had in common, and as much as Jack liked me for me, there was no cure for his disease. Jack suffered a severe case of commitment phobia, as I'm sure many people do. He was upfront about it from the start, but of course, I thought, "I'll be the one to change that." Jack and I got along really well and his capacity for understanding and his ability to live in the moment really drew me in. If he ever judged me for a second, he never let it show. He was reclusive yet