I am going to be nineteen years old, and I have never been on a date. Not even the essence of a date. I think this probably has to do with the fact that I, also, have never had a boyfriend before. So, to the people in relationships/going on dates: TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!

I remember one night, I was with two of my friends in my dorm talking about how absolutely pathetic I am when it comes to dating. They asked me how I flirt with guys, and I will never forget the expressions I got when I responded with: "Flirt?"

Listen, I realize that that is something one must do in order to get the ball rolling, but I am not a natural flirt and I feel very inauthentic while doing so. Simple things like placing a hand on a person's knee or arm feels like an invasion of personal space. I've never tried to force or push flirty-ness onto someone in the fear that it wasn't welcome.

I've realized that this probably has something to do with "self-confidence," blah, blah, blah. I'm not that confident, but I'm more afraid of making someone uncomfortable. In high school, I was always jealous of the girls in my friend group because it seemed like they could flirt without consequence or reason, and the guys fell for it. It made me feel awkward and uncomfortable because I felt like less of a girl, somehow. Like no one would ever like me. Later, I would find out that wasn't true, but it felt true.

For a long time, I felt hopeless. Why is everyone else in a relationship BUT me? Is it the way I look? The way I dress? The way I talk? Do I just not know how to date? I guess knowing comes with experiencing, but Lord help me, what does a girl have to do to get some experience. I've heard every excuse in the book: stop looking, it'll come when you least expect it, stop thinking about it, it doesn't matter that much. Well guess what: I'm tired of hearing it, and if I could scream that at the top of the highest mountain for everyone to hear, I would. That's how much I've heard it.

To be completely honest, if you're one of those people who thinks any of the aforementioned things works, don't talk to me. If you're in a relationship and want to preach to me, don't talk to me. I'm tired of being talked down to and pitied because I've never been in a relationship and I "want it so bad."

It's not that I want it "so bad," I just want to know what it feels like to have love for someone who isn't a family member or friend. I want all the things everyone gushes about, and before you talk about the fighting, I already know. I just want to have someone to spend time with and talk to all the time like a best friend, and, again, before you mention "friends," you'd be surprised at how big of hypocrites they are to say all I need is them, and then disappear for no good reason other that "Well, you never text me, either."

This has turned into a rant, and I apologize. I guess I am just tired of hearing the same things over and over again, putting those things into practice, and getting the same results. At some point you just have to admit me that something is wrong with YOU, and you can't change that. Something is wrong with me, I suppose, so here goes a life without a single lover. Cheers.