Greetings, this is “Dating Advice With Justice Seymour” (by Justice Seymour.) I’m Justice Seymour. Now some of you are college veterans, returning to the “Battlefield of Lovins, AR” (Arizona not Arkansas, noob!) And, if you are a returning college student, this will help you too, but, truthfully, eff off! I wanna speak to mainly the new peeps. The pip squeaks, the pumpernickel pickles. That’s right, the freshmen. Obviously, you should go to college because a lot of good paying jobs require a degree and you want to gain that “community experience” and blah blah boring stuff, but let’s face it… You want to do the nasty wasty below, above, and around the tasty waisty. And that’s all well and good! But listen, ask anyone who knows anything, I am a pro choice with the females. (Don’t worry, ladies! You can read this too! I know both ways! I’m not gay tho. Not that there’s anything WRONG with being gay, I’m saying I'm not. Not that I have to separate myself from gay people! Don’t make this awkward! Okay...truth be told, gay people party the best. We all know it. So if you stare me in the face and say “I don’t want to party with gay people” then turn around and put a nickel in the lie jar cause you's a lyin' h*e. You know dis.)

1. Go to things.

You ever sit in your room and think “One day, me and my special one will BOTH be watching The Leftovers on blu ray eventually”? Well, while that's probably most definitely true, your special one isn’t going to knock at your door and be like “I heard your call, my love.” (Unless they are a delivery person or pizza driver person (Trying to keep it where it's he or sheable!)) You have to get out and meet people! Even at the lame bars or school events that nobody wants to go to but go cause they have nothing better to do but re-watch Breaking Bad in their room. If you go out of your room, you might find that sexy son of a gun or daughter of a son(of a gun) that you want to Netflix and Chill with. Think of your room as if it were a boat and you are a fishing line. You just gotta go out there, dangle around, and hope something bites your pointy end so you can get it into your boat and then gut it and cook it and eat it (like groceries).

2. Talk to folks.

I am the most talkative one in the land of college. That’s how I get the womens. And you can too! This is going to sound sexist or something, but, I swear, it isn’t. I didn’t realize until freshmen year of high school that girls were human. LET ME EXPLAIN: So obviously, people always say that, “The worst she can say is no!” which we all know is a lie. Cause some girls get down right mean. (I say girls cause personal experience, but same goes to the mens!) BUT you can sure count on the fact that, even though people suck, most people try NOT to suck. And if everyone tried not to suck and you yourself didn’t suck, well, my folks, you gots you a “worst they can say is no” situation! I digress from my story! SO freshmen year I was all hyped for The Avengers (yall know how I do ) and I read an interview with Joss Whedon, and he talked about how he writes women so well. What he said stuck with me, as a writer AND as a human being, he said, “You either think they’re human or you don’t.” BOOM knowledge bomb. I then understood that I wasn’t an anomaly in the universe, that I had thoughts and feelings and don’t try to suck so girls ALSO had thoughts and feelings and try not to suck. And that’s where you get your “the worst they can say is --- Already went over that! That’s the general idea! Just go, introduce yourself, and strike a conversation. Try to feel where it goes. I know when people come up to me and try to talk to me, I already start thinking “Darn! Now I have to talk to this person!? Shoot!” Not SAYING they’re going to automatically hate you when you walk up, but treat that as a full on possibility! Cause I prob would totes hate you a lot until you win me over.

3. Take rejection like a man! (/woman!)

I try to keep this PG, but I will allow my first curse word in the history of TTTT. And the following sentence is to the men in the audience, not the women, simply because men do this a lot. Okay: Dudes, if you get rejected, just don’t be a little B*TCH. If a girl says no, just be like “Okay, cool” and cry yourself to sleep later before you go to bed. Don’t be #steamsalty all day with your little Charlie Brown looking bum being all “I’m not gonna talk to anybody anymore cause I’m a NERD. I hate women!” IT’S OKAY TO GET REJECTED. It’s probably pretty great tbh. Cause, if you think about it, you just checked one more person off the “Possible Love of My Life” list, which makes you that much closer to love of your life.

I like to keep these around two pages so that is all for now! There might be more "Dating Advice With Justice Seymour" if I feel like it but if I make promises then I prob won’t do it. So look out for it but don’t expect it! See s'mores Out (Seymour Out, if you didn’t get it. I’m trying to find like a catchphrase cause catchphrases are cool. But anyways, Bye Bye!! (Birdy))