Sometimes having a therapist in the family can be stressful — you wonder if they are always analyzing everything you say, but sometimes it can lead to the most eye-opening, lightbulb moments.

Recently I went back to my hometown to see my family. I stayed at my Dad's house, and the woman, Mellisa, he has been seeing for a while was also staying the weekend. Mellisa works as a school counselor, but before that, she worked as a couples' therapist.

When we were having girl talk alone, our conversation quickly turned to my long-term relationship that ended a couple of months ago. In between validating comments and intent listening, she asked me:

"Did you ever ask him why he wanted to be in a relationship?"

The answer was no. Then she elaborated, saying that relationships can mean different things to different people and that it's important to know what a relationship means to someone else. And more than knowing what they want in a relationship, how they feel you fit what they are looking for.

It dawned on me that liking someone can't be enough to date them. You need to know not only what the other person sees in a relationship, but what you want too. Surface level feelings of infatuation and adoration can only fuel a relationship for so long.

Dating is hard, but maybe we make it harder on ourselves by not being honest and open with our partners and ourselves. I don't make this point to have anyone in a relationship question it, but it is important to understand what your relationship means to both of you.

I've done a lot of thinking recently about the characteristics and qualities I would like in a future partner, and my ideal dynamic of a relationship. Let me tell you, once you start figuring out what you want (and do not want) it exposes so many shortcomings of our failed relationships.

So the next time you feel ready to date someone, first ask them and yourself, "why do you want to be in a relationship?"

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