“And before I love someone else, I’ve got to love myself”

Lyrics from one of my favorite Ed Sheeran song’s “Save Myself” come to me as I begin this article. Music speaks to me, and I have always felt such a strong resonance with this song, maybe because it puts into words everything I know about love but am afraid to carry out.

Self-love is no easy feat. I have always been such a big advocate for it, yet it always seems to be lacking in my life. Why is it that I am so unwilling to accept myself as I am?

Why is it that we, as people, often go to others to gratify us, to deem ourselves lovable, before accepting that from within first?

In an earlier article I wrote about worthiness. Such a big aspect of finding worthiness is falling in love with yourself, in deeming yourself worthy of love.

I have said that I will begin to love myself before, yet I don’t think I have ever fully followed through with that statement. So, this starts today.

It’s scary to fall in love with yourself. I think we, as humans, think that if we search deeper within ourselves, we will find things that we are ashamed of. But this is important- how can you expect someone to love you, to love all of you, including your imperfections and scars, if you haven’t already worked through them yourself?

I am nowhere near perfect, but from now on, I choose to love myself anyway.

This will take time. I am starting out small, by changing daily habits. I often avoid mirrors, shy away from them, because my appearance has always been my greatest source of insecurity, my greatest indicator of my lack of self-love. From now on, I embrace the mirror. Every time I pass one, I will look into my eyes and say “I love you”. Sometimes, I will believe what I say to be true. Others, I will not. But I am not going to be hard on myself, because this is a process, and I know it will be worth it.

In a society that tells us that love will find us, that someday we will be discovered, I think it’s important to recognize that this is not necessary.

We can discover ourselves, in fact, we are meant to discover ourselves first.

This responsibility is on us, not another person. That way, we already know what parts of us need extra love, compassion, and attention. We have an inner understanding of what our needs are, know where our strengths and weaknesses lie.

In this way, loving yourself assumes a certain intuition- when you love yourself, you have a distinct connection with yourself from within. You know who you are, and you do not fear it.

I think we are taught to not share what we love about ourselves because we do not want to brag. But embracing who you are, all of who you are, is not a sign of pretentiousness, it is a sign of inner strength.

So, do not shy away from who you are. Love yourself fully and completely, and be willing to share that with others. For me, I will not be afraid to express the qualities in myself that I find most beautiful, whether it be my smile, laugh, or positivity. In the same way, I will embrace the parts of me that I find most difficult to accept, whether it be my sensitivity, weight, or anxious tendencies.

When you take a step back and consider love from an objectively, the theory of loving yourself first makes sense. How do we expect others to love us properly if we ourselves don’t know how we are best loved?

Maybe it isn’t that we are unable to love others before we love ourselves, maybe it’s that we aren’t able to love others properly and genuinely, and be loved by others in the same way, if we don’t love ourselves first.

Think about it. When we don’t love ourselves, there is something missing in our heart, a certain emptiness. This often results in people going to others to fill that void, to be the piece that is missing. But while that might look and feel like love, that is not true love, it is a distraction. It is a distraction and placeholder from the void we need to fill ourselves, through self-love. If instead, we focus on filling ourselves up first, falling in love with ourselves, the right kind of love will find us. You see, we attract the kind of love we display in ourselves. When that self-love is lacking, we attract a love of craving and desire, different from genuine love. When that self-love is there, we are full already.

The love we find and attract in this situation is one of pure connection and simply adds more to your life, without filling any gaps.

I am so determined to love myself fully because I don’t want to be afraid or ashamed anymore. I want to attract the rawest and realest of loves into my life, but I am realizing that this begins with me. I need to fall in love with myself, with who I am as a person, and relish in that.

When it comes down to it, you are the only person you will be spending your whole life with. The sooner you learn to love yourself, to be yourself, the sooner your life will change. So, spend time with yourself like you would with a potential partner. Get to know yourself, your ins and outs, who you are. Love yourself and the rest will follow.

Here’s to putting ourselves first and foremost in our list of love. We deserve it.

To end with another song lyric, here’s one from “Everybody” by Ingrid Michaelson:

“Everybody, everybody wants to love. Everybody, everybody wants to be love. So let the love, love, love begin.”

Love,

Sam