A Dangerous New Disease Plagues Writers Of America
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A Dangerous New Disease Plagues Writers Of America

Writers, beware! A horrible virus is beginning to spread, and The Card has the scoop.

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A Dangerous New Disease Plagues Writers Of America
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Local author and poet Larissa Tourquin sat down at her desk one day to start writing her next novel after inspiration struck, but was startled by what she saw typed out on her computer. Larissa was quoted as saying, “I was looking down at what I’d written, and wouldn’t you know it, it was the exact plot of Nicolas Cage’s National Treasure. I don’t know what came over me, it was as though my brain had subconsciously singled out that movie and told me to put a very slight twist on it.” Unfortunately, the number of this sort of occurence has been steadily increasing during the past 5 years, making it difficult for creatives of any type to churn out original work.

Professor Bob Burnode recently conducted a study at Yale University to identify the cause of this phenomenon and try to find any possible remedies. “We’ve gotten some very interesting results. It seems that Nicolas Cage is almost like a virus. Once you’ve seen one of his movies or even glanced at the poster, you’re susceptible to The Cage,” Burnode said. One of our reporters is a bit slow and asked what “The Cage” was. Burnode responded that “it’s just what we at the lab have come to call this sickness.”

When asked what the prognosis was, Burnode shook his head solemnly. “It looks pretty bleak from what we can tell. Patients with The Cage often suffer for at least 2 months before showing any signs of improvement. As far as treatment goes, we’ve found that the only surefire way to get the patient back on track is to show them a CDC-approved list of movies to try and help counteract the effects.”

We here at The Card briefly interviewed Ms. Tourquin about the incident, and we have graciously included it below.

The Card: What’s it like trying to write after experiencing this?

Larissa Tourquin: It’s really been hard. I’ve just found it to be very intimidating. Everytime I even think about writing I get chills. What if I punch out the script to another B-List movie? What then?

TC: Have you seen National Treasure or any of Cage’s other works?

LT: During a temporary lapse of sanity, I decided to watch The Wicker Man. Never again....never again. I still get flashbacks to this day.

TC: Might the flashbacks be a cause of the writing issue?

LT: I highly doubt that Nicolas Cage-induced flashbacks are common, and they’re certainly not as common as this phenomenon.

TC: Thanks so much for talking with us today.

LT: Wait, that’s it?

TC: We said brief, didn’t we?

For more information about preventing this newfound affliction, visit our non-existent Facebook page.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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