The Crushing Feeling of Depression

As I sit here when I am writing this, I know it will be hard for me to say that I have a hard time being happy.

It is no lie or joke. It honestly takes a lot of work for me to say that I am happy. I may smile, joke, laugh. I may seem "normal" to you but I can guarantee through all of my years dealing with depression I am not.

I sit in bed every day for five minutes wondering if it is worth it to even get up. But I have to walk out with a smile anyway.

I try the whole idea of look good, feel good, when on the inside I just want to curl up and hide.

When I see others who can just be naturally happy, I get jealous. I get so green with envy that I just want to cry. I want that to be me. I want to be the girl who has no worries. I want to be the girl who can easily say that they are happy. I want to know what it truly means to be happy.

There are some moments where I can feel it in my grasp. Then I slowly feel it slip away. It is in moments where I laugh then suddenly stop. Moments where I am surrounded by my friends and family and I feel alone. Moments where I can slowly feel myself slipping away into the murky waters.

But I know that I will get past it. You may call it a "phase". You may see it as "overemotional". But to me it is a mountain. It is an uphill battle. It is the biggest hurdle anyone can ever face.

Do not tell me that I am not depressed. Do not tell me that it is easy to get over. Do not tell me that I am "fine". Because the majority of the time I am not.

I am diagnosed as depressed and I am okay with that, because each time I can no longer feel that darkness inside of me, I cherish every moment that I can. I know that I can do this. You can do this. Depression is a day by day battle to happiness. You are almost there. Do not give up, because when you finally reach that other side of the mountain, when you have defeated that darkness in a ten round knock-out punch, it will be all worth it.

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