Thinking of parenthood, I think oftentimes we think this period of time could be better planned and better done than what our own parents provided us, because we know what was effective from their teachings and what was not. We know the necessities our bodies and minds urged us to have, but it was not something we could translate to our parents. Not something our schools were willing to provide or look into, leaving us as the labeled child, the abnormal child, and the silenced child. When we had the chance to voice our suffering, the words we could state to others of events occurring to us could only create more tension. More moments of worry.

Pondering on the idea of parenthood, I can only see a divide by a hierarchical system. As a parent, I would be expected to hold knowledge and feed it to another being. That is not how I feel. I can sense that learning is a continuum and each region across the world would identify a good parent with certain qualities. What if my parenting style was immoral in another culture?

The fact that I am above the child I could have may create a fear in them, fear to share information. Their emotions could be kept locked up within. Their safety lies in not sharing a word with me. That is something I do not want.

Reflecting on this, I notice the almost 19 years of age difference between my youngest sister and myself. I could be her parent. That itself is a reason I am glad she sees me as and calls me her brother. It takes away any mistakes I could reenact in trying to teach her the “proper” ways of life, or redoing what my parents had done that I may have disagreed and disagree with, but that is the only thing I would know how to do in that moment.

I would rather be the older brother because the term implies that we can have a mutual relationship of understanding and bonding. I can learn from her, as I do every day. Even learning the simplicity of life. Learning that most of my worries are not important. Relearning the importance of play.

This level of communication and appreciation is only something I learned from my parents. It is something I am eternally grateful for. They guided me in the way that they were able to and knew how to. It is something I could not replicate. However, I can be the one who is willing to relate to and listen to my youngest sister.

I want to be her friend, not the one that governs her life.