When I was a kid, I didn't even know what suicide was...until it actually happened in my life. When I was nine years old, my mother's boyfriend took his own life. At the time, I wasn't really sure what that meant; I just knew that he had died and that I would never see him again. His name is Dave. Dave was a huge part of my childhood. He had started dating my mother when I was about two or three years old. He was there for everything. All the parent nights at school, my kindergarten graduation, sports games, and even came to see me perform as a Munchkin in The Wizard of OZ.

Even though I didn't know all the details of the kind of person he was at the time, he was always kind and loving towards me. I had considered him a father figure for so long. When I would try to cope with it when it first happened, people didn't really understand. He wasn't my dad or my stepdad, he was just dating my mom the majority of my childhood so why should I be upset? I never really got remorse from people and I never really got to cope with it myself because everyone was mainly focused on my mother. This wasn't a problem to me since she probably needed it more than I did.

As I got older I started to become angry about what had happened because my entire life I had changed. I would say all the time how much I hated my life and would blame Dave because of how it turned out. I can't even imagine what my life would be like today if he hadn't took his own life. Now I realize that I can't do that. I can't change what happened and I will never be able to. I have to make the most of my life now and need to be more positive. For those who have lost someone to suicide I am so sorry and I know exactly what you are going through. It's confusing and frustrating and you wish you could have been there for them more because you think that somehow you could have stopped them.

I learned later on that Dave was bipolar. Mental illness is a real illness and I don't even think I could stop him from doing what he did. The way I coped with what happened was by talking to someone, and then accepting that I can't change what had happened no matter how much I wanted to. He is in a better place now and hopefully a lot more happy. I am grateful for the time I got to share with him and hope that something like this never happens to me ever again.