The Anxiety That Controls Me
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Health and Wellness

The Anxiety That Controls Me

A Narrative Poem on Anxiety

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The Anxiety That Controls Me
Ronaldo Oliveria

You don't get it, and that's okay; But I want you to listen and at least try to understand. It might seem odd, unreasonable And sometimes even silly. But please don't brush it off, ignore it, or mess with it. Anxiety is like the feeling of tipping your chair back too far. That feeling of panic Only instead of a brief moment of panic. It's everlasting. Have you ever gone up the stairs quickly And thought there was another step? You take that step and for the briefest of moments you live in terror in the fear and feeling of falling - only you're always falling. Anxiety is like living in a constant state of paranoia. Always afraid of what could happen. Playing all the ways things could go wrong over and over in your head, certain that you're doomed. It's living in fear of the past repeating itself. Trying to overcome it is like drowning. The more you fight for breath, the harder it gets to breathe. You try to stay calm and work it out, but the waves always come back. Sometimes the waves come back so strong that you drown. It's a constant battle in my mind and my heart, often driven by worry, fear, and pain. I often lose and even then I try to not give up because I don't want to live like this but I am weak. Anxiety is one of the most powerful forces and it drives me. Anxiety is like being the back seat driver to your life. You're afraid to take control, and when you do take control you're terrified of all the things that could happen. It might seem funny, so mess with me; but sometimes I am terrified that you are serious. Anxiety is that voice in my head that is yelling at the top of its lungs declaring that you're just like everyone else - using me, not needing me, not in love and not going to stay. All of which I am terrified of. Jokes can spike my anxiety because it brings to the front of my mind what I'm truly terrified of happening. I just want you to understand. Anxiety is the battle of five armies. Only instead of two on three - it's one on four. I'm fighting solo against hoards of oncoming enemies who push me down, destroy me and weaken me. I look to the east on the third day but there is no one to rescue me. Yet I continue to fight it. Somedays I claim victory. I don't feel as much anxiety, or many none at all; but that doesn't mean the night doesn't have its horrors. The best way to explain, and I've said it before; but anxiety is driven by my greatest fears. They'll always be there as long as those fears exist, and until you either confirm those fears or put those fears to rest I'll always be anxious.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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