A few things before I begin I want to mention that what I say does not undermine a few things - psychological problems, mental illnesses, fear of abandonment, underlying issues with childhood trauma, any kind of abuse from a partner, and things that happen that succeeds in bringing out this side of you. There are, I am sure, many other things that need to be kept in mind, but these are big problems when referring to a partner that tries to control. I have been the partner that needs to have control, but I also don't ignore any abuse I have encountered or the idea that who I was brought out that in the said-abusive partner.
Having no self-control looks a lot like worrying about your partner going out without you, or period. Worrying about abandonment from your partner or close friends. Having to have a say in what your partner and your friend's do with their lives. Having to control their every move or to know their every move. Having to know who they are with when they are doing things without you. Making sure that everything they do has been run by you or is in your knowledge. Making sure there are no possible factors that can ruin your relationship with that person. Having complete control over who they are and are not friends with. Having control over their social media and watching their every move. Accusing them of things that have not done or will not do.
It is very easy to ignore these problems and blame the other person without easily considering self-control as an answer. And if you do blame the other person and your lack of trust for that person, take it from someone who has been in that position, leave. Or if you are the one being controlled, leave. Losing trust in the person you are with is not something you can ever get back. And if you are the person being controlled, you will end up resenting the person you are with. I promise. Leave while you can and take this article as a lesson for next time.
When the urge to control your partner flairs up keep in mind why this happens to you. Is it a fear that you will be cheated and abandoned by them? Is it your anxiety? Are you scared of something? Are they repeatedly doing things to me to make me lose trust?You need to recognize why you do these things. Also, understand that this isn't something that will be fixed overnight. You need to sit with yourself every time you start to want to control and ask yourself if it's worth it. The fights that it will cause and how much further it will push your partner away. You need to understand not everything someone does is your business, friend or romantic partner. People live separate lives outside of you. They do things without you and they will continue to do so for the rest of their lives.
It takes a lot out of me to admit that I have been where I was because now that I am where I am, I would never want to be that person again. And now, I see that self-control has to be mastered before I can let anyone get close to me. I unerstand my anxiety, my fear of abandonment, and all that I have edured as a kid has instilled so much fear into me that I was projecting onto my partners. I had to realize that everything I fear has happened to me once and I just want to control it to prevent it from happening again. I had to realize that I am the cause of all that happens to me. I had to realize that everything that someone does to me has nothing to do with me and that I can allow things to happen or not. Or better yet, I can control my reaction. A reaction is everything regarding self-control.
What I am saying is that I have stayed quiet and have only voiced what I need to. I don't need to take someone's freedom away, for that is not owed to me like my freedom is not to be taken away by someone else. My business is not for my friends or partners to know all the time, vice versa. I am no longer fixated on what someone might do to me nor do I spend my energy on the things that are out of my control. I have completely let go of the need to control anything but my reactions to things. What happens to me will happen one way or another, that is not something I can control. These are all things you need to consider if you are someone who tries to have any control over your partner.
Self-control is your way out of needing to control your partner.