You're Ruining Your Relationship By Trying to Control Your Partner

You're Ruining Your Relationship By Trying to Control Your Partner

Sometimes YOU are the problem.
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A few things before I begin I want to mention that what I say does not undermine a few things - psychological problems, mental illnesses, fear of abandonment, underlying issues with childhood trauma, any kind of abuse from a partner, and things that happen that succeeds in bringing out this side of you. There are, I am sure, many other things that need to be kept in mind, but these are big problems when referring to a partner that tries to control. I have been the partner that needs to have control, but I also don't ignore any abuse I have encountered or the idea that who I was brought out that in the said-abusive partner.

Having no self-control looks a lot like worrying about your partner going out without you, or period. Worrying about abandonment from your partner or close friends. Having to have a say in what your partner and your friend's do with their lives. Having to control their every move or to know their every move. Having to know who they are with when they are doing things without you. Making sure that everything they do has been run by you or is in your knowledge. Making sure there are no possible factors that can ruin your relationship with that person. Having complete control over who they are and are not friends with. Having control over their social media and watching their every move. Accusing them of things that have not done or will not do.

It is very easy to ignore these problems and blame the other person without easily considering self-control as an answer. And if you do blame the other person and your lack of trust for that person, take it from someone who has been in that position, leave. Or if you are the one being controlled, leave. Losing trust in the person you are with is not something you can ever get back. And if you are the person being controlled, you will end up resenting the person you are with. I promise. Leave while you can and take this article as a lesson for next time.

When the urge to control your partner flairs up keep in mind why this happens to you. Is it a fear that you will be cheated and abandoned by them? Is it your anxiety? Are you scared of something? Are they repeatedly doing things to me to make me lose trust?You need to recognize why you do these things. Also, understand that this isn't something that will be fixed overnight. You need to sit with yourself every time you start to want to control and ask yourself if it's worth it. The fights that it will cause and how much further it will push your partner away. You need to understand not everything someone does is your business, friend or romantic partner. People live separate lives outside of you. They do things without you and they will continue to do so for the rest of their lives.

It takes a lot out of me to admit that I have been where I was because now that I am where I am, I would never want to be that person again. And now, I see that self-control has to be mastered before I can let anyone get close to me. I unerstand my anxiety, my fear of abandonment, and all that I have edured as a kid has instilled so much fear into me that I was projecting onto my partners. I had to realize that everything I fear has happened to me once and I just want to control it to prevent it from happening again. I had to realize that I am the cause of all that happens to me. I had to realize that everything that someone does to me has nothing to do with me and that I can allow things to happen or not. Or better yet, I can control my reaction. A reaction is everything regarding self-control.

What I am saying is that I have stayed quiet and have only voiced what I need to. I don't need to take someone's freedom away, for that is not owed to me like my freedom is not to be taken away by someone else. My business is not for my friends or partners to know all the time, vice versa. I am no longer fixated on what someone might do to me nor do I spend my energy on the things that are out of my control. I have completely let go of the need to control anything but my reactions to things. What happens to me will happen one way or another, that is not something I can control. These are all things you need to consider if you are someone who tries to have any control over your partner.

Self-control is your way out of needing to control your partner.

Cover Image Credit: Yoann Boyer

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To The Guy Who Treated Me Like Crap

In many ways, I feel bad that you could never see how amazing I am.
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Dear (insert guy's name here),

I’m sorry that I acted as your footstool for so long. You treated me terribly, and for some reason, I couldn’t see that. I only saw you as someone who liked me and wanted to be with me (at least, that’s what I thought). I was like a little puppy dog following you around, completely loving and loyal. I was always waiting for you to text me, posting Snapchat stories for the sole purpose of knowing you would see them and always hoping you would come around when I was out with my friends so I could show you off.

No matter how hard I wanted us to work out, I now realize it never would have.

You weren’t right for me because you treated me like I was your inferior. You were always talking to other girls, flirting with them, and treating me like a child. You were so selfish. Only doing what you wanted and coming around when you felt like it and taking advantage of me. You made me feel crazy when I got mad at you for all the little things. I was so caught up in you that I tried to ignore all of the signals right in front of me.

You just weren’t right for me.

I now know that the right guy for me is the one who respects me and chooses me over everyone else. The guy who never makes me feel insane for questioning something, the guy who understands when he’s done something wrong and can live with the consequences. You just simply couldn’t provide that for me. In many ways, I feel bad that you could never see how amazing I am.

While I may have been so upset when our relationship ended, it made me realize who I am and what I deserve. I deserve so much more than someone putting in 50 percent. I deserve an endless amount of respect and communication. Putting in your all for a relationship when they can’t do the same is not healthy and it’s childish. I hope someday you can find a girl that you can love infinitely but I take a lot of pride in knowing that girl won’t be me. I may be single for a really long time or I may find the one tomorrow, either way, I have so much hope that one day someone can give me their all and make me feel incredible.

For now, I’m done wasting my time on guys like you who make me feel miserable.

Sincerely,
The One Who Got Away

Cover Image Credit: Trinity Kubassek

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Thanks To The Jonas Brothers, I Never Regret Not Dating A Teenage Boy

Ya'll made it drama free.

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All thanks to three guys from New Jersey, I never regret not having a boyfriend in Middle or High School. I started listening to the Jonas Brothers when I was in 6th grade. I was awkward, I wanted to fit in simply because I was the minority in my mostly white school district. I also wanted to feel more independent since I was reaching the ripe age of 13.

Eventually, certain things came to me where I was able to gain that independence. I had no problem talking to certain adults simply because I would just be myself, and they would have absolutely no issue with it. Then came Nick, Kevin, and Joe. They already had one album out called 'It's About Time', and too contrary belief became a classic for them to date. Eventually, as they made their approach to the Disney Channel, their popularity increased more and more. Soon enough, everyone knew of them. Even if they didn't even listen to their music, they still knew about them.

I was what you called the stereotypical 'fangirl.' I was overly protective of them whenever I would hear any guy in school call them 'gay' 'ugly' or 'untalented'. In fact, I'm very thankful that social media was not as big yet. I could not imagine going off as much as I would imagine. But there were other ways to vent. I still had some of my friends relate, but even with that, a good portion of them would tell me to stop being obsessed with them. But that only allowed my obsession to grow.

Everything that they did was a news update for me. I had to keep up with them ALL the time, no matter what the condition was. I had to know what they were doing every single day. Okay, not to a point of stalking but you get the picture. My point is that no other boy mattered at the time other than them. Joe was my favorite one so I had to keep up with him the most. Especially when he was dating someone. Yes, I will admit that some of Joe's exes were not my favorite, yet I shipped the hell out of the other ones. But I will say now that as a grown woman I am no longer interfering with his relationship. I was always wondering what it would be like to even go on a date around that age.

I never went on one considering how weird teenage boys truly are. Some of them want a girlfriend simply just to have one, and others just had their hormones go all nuts. The reason why I wasn't heavy on dating during that time was simply that I was trying to focus on myself and who I truly was. I did not want to deal with any of the drama that came with a relationship because I had a lot more than I needed to worry about.

Yes, did I want a guy that I thought was hot to date me of course! But it turns out looking back on it, I'm grateful that I decided to not give him the time of day. Considering that nowadays he's not exactly the right person to be with anyway. Even in general, I'm glad I never had to worry about fighting with another girl about another guy. A total complete waste of time, and not worth sacrificing anything.

I realized that there was so much more to life than just having a guy like you. Even if you did get those weird feelings every time he was around. Also if it was the other way around where a guy liked you, and you just didn't like him back. What a complicated web the teenage years hold. But back to the Jo-Bros. I'm grateful that these guys were in my life because it distracted me from the realities of how teenage boys truly are. You know, the ones that don't sing to you and tell you-you're beautiful every five seconds.

I'm grateful for all the memories that I had with these guys, especially making endless books and PowerPoint presentations on why I loved them so much. Although I'll still keep up with them once in a blue moon, it doesn't mean that I'll forget my first love. Just because I'm not in a room where they've plastered all over the walls anymore, doesn't mean that I didn't cherish those times when I would beg my mom to get me the latest teen magazine. If they were not in it, I didn't want it! Plain and simple everyone remembers their first teen crush. But I'm grateful that these three brothers allowed me to not get distracted by the teen dating scene. Also, I think it helped out my father as well.

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