I'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough couple of weeks. We don't need to go into detail why, but the point is that as I'm writing this, I consider myself to not be in the right place mentally. Don't take that the wrong way. I know myself very well and I know that I will be okay in a couple of days, but I've realized something very important today. I've realized that I am very homesick. And when I say I'm homesick, I don't mean I miss my hometown every once in a while when I remember old memories. I mean I miss everything about my hometown. I miss my old house, I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss my dad's cooking, I miss the familiar streets, I miss my old car. I just miss home.
It's strange that I'm starting to feel homesick now. I went through my entire freshmen year without any major feelings of missing the Bay. I would go home during the breaks, visit my friends and family, and then be ready to go back to San Diego and back to school. Even when I started this school year, I was okay. I had made the decision to spend my summer in San Diego to work and to take classes. Sure, I was going to miss being able to see my friends and family every day, but I thought that I could handle it. However, it's only been about two weeks since I took a week off to visit my family back in the Bay, and I'm already wishing that I hadn't left.
Everyone told me that I would become homesick, but I thought that I was the exception. My thought process was, "Hey, I'm usually pretty mentally strong. I'll be okay." But, reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. Sure, my parents are just a phone call away and I can call them whenever I want, but it's not the same as waking up and smelling banana bread like my mom used to make and then cracking jokes with my parents before heading off to school. When I came that evening after school and volleyball practice, there they were preparing my dinner and making sure I had all of my homework done. I know some of you may think that it's silly to miss your parents being on your case every day, but I probably wouldn't have survived high school without them.
I think my homesickness stems from me missing my old life. Back in high school, I had a pretty solid routine. I woke up, went to school, went to volleyball practice, did my homework, went to sleep, and then woke up and did it all over again. Nowadays, I have no structure in my life. There are days where it gets too overwhelming and I just want to disappear. I just want everything to stop and give me a chance to breathe, but I can't because I have a shift that starts in fifteen minutes.
The hardest part about all of this is admitting to myself that I am not okay. I've always considered myself to be a relatively tough person, and the result of that is that I tend to push people away when times get rough. This is mostly because I thought that I could figure it out on my own. If the past few weeks have taught me anything, it's that even the strongest of people can get a few cracks in their armor.
I talk a big talk on here by writing all of these articles about how you should talk to someone if you feel down or that you should college your own by stepping out of your comfort zone, but none of that means anything if I don't follow my own advice. So, I'm writing this as a promise to myself that I will stop internalizing my emotions and will continue to try and put my mental health first, and that I will try not to worry my parents too much. I am their only child, after all. Now, excuse me while I go lay in bed and cry myself to sleep while looking at my photos form my high school graduation.