Being a trans man, especially one that comes from a small town, I've pretty much heard it all. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's given me some thick skin; you have to be pretty creative these days to come up with an insult that hits home for me.
One of the things that I hear that grinds my gears like no other is any compliment that is followed by "…for a transman."
Let me begin by saying I understand that your intentions probably are good and pure by saying anything and ending it with "for a transman." I wholeheartedly respect it and to a certain level, I do appreciate it.
I truly believe that you're just trying to show your support by adding that special ending to whatever you have to say, but that's not always how it comes across.
I am pretty understanding of what you're getting at, but not all trans folks might not be, or anyone for that matter. Any compliment that contains "for a" isn't really a compliment. I like to call them "non-pliments."
One in specific that I get a lot is "Wow! You look great for a transman!" What does that even mean?
If I wasn't trans would I look like a pile of garbage roasting in the sun on a hot summers day? Thank you for telling me I look good but does being transgender have negative connotation tied to it that takes away from the fact that I'm attractive?
Does that suggest that other trans men aren't good looking or don't "pull it off" as well?
When you look at someone something goes off in your head that triggers a response that makes that person seem attractive, fascinating, or intriguing to you, being trans has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I captured your attention or not, so why are you adding that irrelevant statement of fact in?
One thing that really irks me about it, even if you're not meaning to imply this, but when I hear "for a transman" it assumes that your opinion validates my identity.
Let me make this clear; there is no one in the world, other than myself, that I aim to please. I do not wake up, look in the mirror and ask "do I look manly enough for the world today?"
The only person I need to "pass" for is staring back at me. I look or pass well enough for you so mission accomplished, right? Absolutely not. When I hear this "compliment" from other males especially, it comes across as "you're doing great for a transman, but you'll never be as good as me, a cismale."
In a way, it feels as if they're saying even at my best I will never match up to their worst because they were born in the correct body with the correct anatomy.
I am not any less superior because of the simple fact that I lack an appendage between my legs...for now.
I've heard it said for many other people as well, not just "for being transgender". For an example, "you're pretty for a bigger girl" or "for a black girl" or any variations.
Adding that "for a" turns it into an insult for not just me but for that whole group of people, in my case, my fellow brothers, and that doesn't sit well with me. We're just guys that had to fight a little extra to get where we are today, that's all. Being transgender does not define us, so please don't use it to.