I really couldn't have been more against Tinder. I even wrote a research paper about why you shouldn't use it. This makes this even more embarrassing. I know all the psychological and societal impacts that come from this. Still, I was too curious bored to not give it a shot. As I continued to meet absolutely no one in real life, I decided that maybe that was because everyone was sitting at home on Tinder. Turns out they are really sitting at home on Tinder because 95% of these young so-called suitors want to sit at home and talk to you but never take you out.
Our whole life we are told to never talk to strangers but somehow we are allowing ourselves to message not just strangers, but strangers who are using their dogs as leverage to increase their body count. Shameful of you to exploit Spot like that, Dylan. If people were using Tinder to actually hook up they would actually be doing it instead of just talking about it. Are people really so lonely that they just want to message and snapchat someone and never hang out? Or maybe I'm disgusting and no one wants to hang out with me. But from how much my Mama thinks I'm pretty, I doubt that's the case.
I know this is when people would tell me not to be a hater or just quit Tinder, which believe me I am doing. But roasting some of these guys is just too hard to resist. To quote myself, "you could have said anything to me and that is what you picked?". These guys have the easiest access to women imaginable. Guys in 1950 would never believe it. They had to go troll for women at the soda shop. They could have been sitting there for hours singing along to "Run Around Sue" and when no one showed up they would glumly realize that the most action they were getting that day was between their mouth and their milkshake straw. They would kill for Tinder and they would use it properly. Their first move wouldn't be sending a GIF of some guy who is way hotter than them(if you look like a slightly glorified grown up version of the kid from home alone why are you sending me one of the Hemsworth brothers winking?) They wouldn't use profanity in their opening line. They wouldn't do any of the things I'm about to describe.
1. The hi and bye
First of all, Hi is about the lamest thing you could say to me other than telling me about the time you learned to parallel park. Now I have the dilemma of do I also say "Hi" or do I spice it up and say "Hey". I contemplate this for ten minutes, respond with one or the other, and then you are a country that's never heard from again.
2. The GIF and dash
If it was a GIF of you I'd be interested and don't get me wrong I love them in the midst of a conversation. But sending Joey Tribbiani to do your dirty work of asking me how I'm doing is a shallow move, bro.
3. The guy who thinks you're a free therapist
Congratulations! You are now the least attractive potential partner for me on this godforsaken app. I don't want to know how tired you are or how much your Dad's avid BMX habit screwed you up. Thank you, next.
4. The military guy who seemed like a good idea
Let's be real ladies, who doesn't love a man in uniform? They're strong and noble and make the most amazing sacrifices for our country. It's all fun and games until they start describing all their weapons in detail. Yes, this happened to me.
5. The Ivy League catfisher
Oh you went to Princeton, James? And they never taught you the proper use of to vs too or there vs their? That's cute, are you getting your doctorate in deception? Either I should be terrified of our country's higher educational system or you're a liar with your pants on fire.
6. The guy who tells you to come over but never provides an address
Ahhhh the art of the mythical "come over". I'm sorry but that is something you say to someone how you've already met or has been to your home before. Imagine walking up to a stranger on the street, looking them right in the eye and not asking, nay ordering them, to come over. And that's the story of how Noah from 13 miles away was detained in Whole Foods that one time.
7. The guy who thinks emojis excuse bad behavior
No Brady, the fact that you put a sunshine emoji does not negate the fact that you asked me for a nude.
8. The guy who doesn’t actually know what a sugar daddy is
I mean did you watch Pretty Woman? Paying someone for ~fun~ is illegal, my friend. Calling yourself a sugar daddy and basically suggesting prostitution is not correct. They are two different roads you can travel in pursuit of paying for companionship. I just want to clarify that I DID NOT participate in this and I roasted this uneducated dirty scoundrel. You can't pay me for ~fun~ but you can get roasted for free! I know, I'm a real catch.
9. The guy who underhandedly asks you to hang out
I live at the beach and I had a guy proclaim jealousy in regards to my beachgoing and I told him he should go to the beach. He said that he doesn't have anyone to go with. Obviously this was a ponzie scheme to see me in a swimsuit but I'm not catering to you not knowing how to ask me out. I told him that going to the beach is a lovely solitary activity that can be quite tranquil. He said he prefers to do things with people than on his own and that being by himself doesn't compare to the memories he's made with other people. For some reason I feel that we are no longer talking about the beach.
10. The guy who doesn't know his days of the week
I've had people tell me that they're only free on the weekends from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. They always say "well here's the thing...I'm only free on..". Here's the thing, you need to go back to preschool! There is also Wednesday. I'm sure you're free at 7 p.m. on Wednesday. Life hack: think of other days of the week.
To close, I'd like to say that this app will suck up your phone storage, your dignity, your time and your battery life. But if you choose to ignore this, then happy swiping!
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