I was always known in high school as being the 'happy girl', there was rarely not a smile on my face. I would walk the hallways say hi to everyone on my way to my next class. I had the perfect group of friends, the perfect family, handsome boyfriend, heck, I was even prom queen. But, I don't think anything could have prepared me for the ending of my senior year summer. I had never felt so sad in my entire life.

In no means am I saying that I suffered from depression over a long period of time, or that I was medically diagnosed. It wasn't until this week that I finally realized the traumatic experiences that led to my unpredicted gray period.

I remember feeling stuck I remember feeling that no matter how hard I tried to get out of bed I couldn't, I found every time that I went out with my friends, my smile was fake, my laugh was fake. And I remember even sometimes when no one was looking I would feel tears well up in my eyes because I felt no matter what I did I would never feel the true happiness that I once felt before.

I don't want to blame all of my problems on boys, but for this, I think that I might have to. I was in a really bad relationship in my junior year of high school, and I don't think that I ever really ever go the chance to fully process it. When my life turned upside down in the end of the summer of 2018, every bad memory of that past relationship came flooding back. The reason that my summer turned bad was that I ended another relationship, confusing I know, but this guy was… he was actually worth it, so it really sucked.

When I think about it now I realize how bad I was to MYSELF because of what these 2 guys did to me, messed up I know. I used to have such hate for myself because I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, "why am I not enough for them to actually want me or treat me right?"

And I know this is a story that has been told before by a million girls around the world. But I never thought that it would be me feeling this immense about of sadness and self-hatred. Like I said I didn't even realize the full extent of it until I actually began to feel better when I came to Syracuse.

I don't really know what to make of this, but it was just sort of crazy for me to come to terms with the severe state of my mental health over the summer because naturally I brushed it off and pretended that nothing happened. I am trying really hard to not do that anymore. I shouldn't have to not acknowledge my feelings or pretend that they didn't happen because I am the girl that is supposed to be happy all the time.

From this period of sadness, I learned that if something happens to me I should always talk it out. And also most importantly I shouldn't be so hard on myself for other people's decisions, they are just that, other peoples, I should make myself sad over something that I could never control in the first place.