Fear not, Muggles; just because you missed out on your acceptance letters being delivered via owl does not mean you haven't been inducted into a very magical experience (*nudges shoulder*). While it may not look like it, our humble private arts school is rife with comparisons to none other than Harry Potter's own magical school -- one must only look at it with a bit of imagination. And, knowing most of Columbia's student body, if there's one thing we're not short on...it's imagination. So, straighten your robes and prepare for the sorting hat. Here's what it would be like if Columbia College of Chicago was actually Hogwarts.
Gryffindor
On-campus residence: The Dwight
Off-campus residence: Lincoln Park
Majors: Film, Audio, anyone who shirks their actual major for something like "Cultural Studies," some of the Journalism majors
Defining traits: Is the first to prompt every drinking game at every house or dorm party, always has something very important to say in class, works well with others despite slightly annoying them, leads group discussions and always volunteers their place for group projects, has resplendent "Recently Watched" section on Netflix.
Strength: Will lead all the drunk people to the right bus home after the party.
Weakness: Is probably the reason everyone's drunk.
Favorite class: Speech, because they love making points about things they know.
Quote: "Bros before hoes. But metaphorically, because we don't subscribe to that binary gendered thinking."
Ravenclaw
On-campus residence: 2 East
Off-campus residence: Wicker Park
Majors: Creative Writing, those kids who restore paintings in Italy every year, Screenwriters, anyone who threw money in art history classes.
Defining traits: Always buys their textbooks instead of renting, because they will "look great on the shelf, and I might want to read them later," takes more humanities classes than they really need to because they've gotten into philosophy lately, panic, rushed handwriting, mild Adderall dependency.
Strength: 4.0 GPA, including J-term
Weakness: Almost impossible to meet up with due to their limited free time, unless pulling an all nighter watching Kubrick films sounds fun.
Favorite class: Honors Evolution of the Mind
Quote: "Doesn't your cousin have a Ritalin prescription?"
Hufflepuff
On-campus residence: The UC
Off-campus residence: Pilsen
Majors: Game design, fantasy/genre writers, graphic design, visual arts
Defining traits: Always live where the party is being thrown, never throws the party, immediately offers to buy you food after asking to hang out, has never had a hangover in their life, secretly has the highest grade in the class, probably Facebook friends with their professors. And finding things. Hufflepuffs are excellent finders.
Strength: The nicest people you have ever met.
Weakness: Bad at at sticking up for themselves.
Favorite class: Anything in a lecture hall so they can quietly blend in.
Quote: "Do you want to split an order of loaded tots at Bar Louie or something?"
Slytherin
On-campus residence: Plymouth
Off-campus residence: Hyde Park
Majors: Fashion business, entertainment law, photography, most seniors who are "just so done" with everything.
Defining traits: Sharp wit, cunning mind, friends with all the good drug dealers, control freaks when it comes to group projects, killer Spotify playlists, always down to do something but would rather just be alone, honestly, tend to "accidentally" steal things at parties, can knock back shots with no chaser.
Strength: Are charismatic m*therf*ckers.
Weakness: Mean AF when they drink.
Favorite class: Soviet and Russian History
Quote: "Quit being a p*ssy and just do ecstasy with me."
Now that you know what kind of witch or wizard you and your friends would be if you didn't spend so much money pursuing your dream at art school, you can start whipping up some real magic. Like figuring out who buys milk this week or how on earth you're going to juggle 18 credits this semester. In the mean time, keep writing to Hogwarts. Maybe you can go for your Master's.
