From the ages of around 15 to 17, I dreamed of a future full of spontaneity and un-denying happiness. I thought of possibly radically traveling the country in a van, or having some sort of artistic career that I was so incredibly passionate about that my days were consumed with endless heart-pounding joy. The thought alone of having an average life drained me. I feared to live a mundane life of un-fulfillment. There had to be more… I always thought. I could not be content with the displeasing normality that I was told was "life."

Upon entering college, I made recognizations of who I really am, and what I really want to be. And it's not what 15 to 17 year old me thought. I realized that my true desire is sort of the opposite of extreme passion and spontaneity: simplicity.

I started my first year commuting to a community college. It wasn't what I wanted. It was what my parents wanted. Because what I wanted was something I didn't even understand myself. So I gave in to their advice and stayed home for a year. When the summer after high school graduation ended, my friends moved out of town to their colleges, and suddenly I was alone for a while. Mind you, I have never been a socialite, and have always cherished solitude, but this type of alone was different. Loneliness wasn't quite what it was, for I still had my parents, my pets, and the sweet comfort of home. But life suddenly seemed to be standing still, as I realized after coming out of the delusion of what high school was, that life wasn't one thrill after the next. Most of the time, it was still, quiet, and changing at a slow rate.

Every day, I drove 25 minutes to school and then back. 25 minutes each morning and afternoon, with just me, and the music I had blasting through the speakers. A straight two-lane road didn't require much effort or thought, other than to press the gas pedal and steady the wheel. Traffic was always light at around 8 am, for the people who went to work, and the buses full of kids going to grade school were already gone. In the afternoon, I also drove home in the open hour after the kids were dropped off the bus, and the adults were still at work. 25 minutes of no worries other than the thoughts that circled my mind. I don't mean to brag when I say that I drove a BMW convertible, but it was a wonderful thing to be able to feel the open breeze across my cheeks, and to gaze up and see nothing but sky (not for long though I promise you, I kept my eyes on the road).

The town where my college remained was not bustling. It was rather rural, with a lot of open fields, and trees canopying the road as I passed through. My school was a collection of buildings no more than two- occasionally three stories high that wasn't terribly far away from one another. It wasn't a jaw-dropping, beautiful campus filled with various colors of life, but it wasn't ugly either. Plain would be a good word for it. A few bundles of tulips and daisies were planted along a few walkways, and posters of small events being held were taped to windows. It was well maintained, and humble enough not to over exaggerate visual appeal. A fair amount of students were enrolled. Enough that I sometimes had to park across the street due to the lot on campus being full, but not enough that I walked past someone completely new every day.

For the first month or so, I was unsatisfied there. Well no. Not unsatisfied. "Unhappy" would also be too harsh of a word, but "numb" might suffice? I don't know exactly what I was expecting after high school. I had a few unrealistic daydreams of things such as possibly being out in public mid that summer and be scouted by a legitimate modeling agent, then my career would take off from there. Or that my singular published comedic YouTube video would spark a sudden popularity in the internet world and next thing I know I would be on the cast of Saturday Night Live or something. But even more so than anything, I dreamed of purpose and an understanding of what life really meant. It frustrated me beyond words not knowing why I've been placed on this planet at this particular time. It sounds a bit corny, I know, but I couldn't be the only one who's ambition lied beyond a sustainable career and tangible wealth, could I?

So life when on. I drove to school, went to my classes, ate lunch in my car, and went back home. It wasn't incredible, but it also wasn't miserable. Frankly, after a while, I got used to my schedule and found it sort of satisfying. I had a purpose- which was to go to school, and then I had a home to settle in. As I thought about it on those 25-minute drives, what more did I need?

I think it's worth mentioning that I did eventually make friends at school. It wasn't a priority of mine, but when I did make them, I'll admit it drastically changed my experience. They were the kids from my theatre class. A group of the most unusual, extraordinary, and loving people I have ever met. I'll never forget staying at Huddle House with them until 2 am during play rehearsal week, or wandering graveyards in October and somehow finding a cow in which we name Marvin, or going to Walmart because we had no better place to hang out. It was when I was with them that I realized you didn't need much to have a good time. There wasn't a whole lot of cool places to hang out in town, or football games to attend, or parties to get "shit-faced" at. But we didn't need any of that. Nobody actually needs any of that. We made the best of what we had: each other. Cheesy, right? But it was true.

It was in those times that I realized that the true key to the greatest happiness wasn't living a life full of adrenaline and overwhelming passion. I never felt that when I was driving 25 minutes on the open road to school, or sitting in the sticky, syrup stained Huddle House booth with my friends, but what I did feel was content. I was content because I stopped searching for something more than what I had, and when I did, I realized what I had was all I ever needed.

I say I "realized" but I actually think I knew that all along. Simplicity always made me feel warm. I’ve learned now to follow that warmth.

Now this year I am currently in my sophomore year of college at Clemson University. It’s been about two full months and I am still not used to it. I took my first steps into the Cooper Library only about a week ago and felt like I walked into an airport. Everywhere I turn, there are faces of people I have never seen before in my life, and buildings I've never entered. I receive constant emails about events happening around campus nearly every day. And of course, there's football. The dedication and passion many people have over it sort of scare me.

You'd think with all the things going on around me, that I would be out and about, attending events and making all sorts of new friends. Well, I am a little ashamed to say that I have done mostly the opposite. Often times, I'll find myself back in my apartment doing homework, and watching movies by myself. Sometimes the only time I leave my room is to go to class, or go to the gym, or sit outside on a warm day to read a book. At night, I often go to bed early. I try to sleep with my windows open to fall asleep to the sound of crickets, but all I hear is the noise of kids my age. They shout, and play music I don't listen to. So I end up shutting my windows and finding a YouTube video of nature sounds to fall asleep to.

Now, don’t think that I never go out and do things, because I do, but if you haven't already noticed, I am internally a 75-year-old. I enjoy slowing life down, and I appreciate things like solitude and silence. Sometimes I think I was born to be retired.

I’m still not sure if I have found my purpose yet. I still don’t exactly know why I was placed on Earth, but if I had to guess now, maybe it was just to simply be. To be amongst my fellow humans, grow along with them, and eventually decease. Sharing all sorts of love in between. Nothing more, and nothing less. I know it sounds cheesy, and you’ve heard it before, but I truly do think love is the answer. Love is the purpose. My purpose, and yours. I think The Beatles were right when they said, “All You Need Is Love”.

If you asked me a few years ago, what I wanted to be in life, I would have copied John Lennon and simply replied “happy.” What if you asked me now? Well, I would say the same. The difference is that I no longer frantically search for happiness in every corner, and I no longer have a fear of an “average” life. Lately, in fact, an average life is what I dream of. How lovely would it be, have a steady job to go to on the weekdays, and come back to a cozy home and a lover waiting there- probably a dog too. To sit and eat dinner together as the sun rests itself on the horizon, and talk about our day, and maybe make future vacation plans. Then we’ll curl up on the couch and catch up on our favorite shows before going to bed. Hopefully, we would live a little ways away from town, so we can open the windows at night to fall asleep to the sound of the crickets. What more could anyone ever need?