My college experience has been weird, to say the least. I don't think anyone has a completely "normal" college experience, but mine has been completely abnormal.

I started off at a school in Virginia called Liberty University (yes yes, the largest Christian college in the world, the chancellor endorsed Trump, they allow guns on campus, yes it's the school you're thinking of.) It was far less political when I went, but that's beside the point. I lived on campus, in a dorm, was a worship major, and ended up deciding that I needed to leave. I left because I really hated the worship program I was in, and I was suffering silently from a myriad of issues.

When choosing to go to GCU, where I attend now, I chose to commute. I lived at home, and then in an apartment, and commuted to school twice a week. At first, it made sense, since my life was close to Scottsdale, where my parents live and my old apartment was. But the thing about commuting is that it's really really hard to get involved in anything on campus, especially when you live 35 minutes away. Greek life doesn't exist on Christian campuses for obvious reasons. At GCU, they have a commuters lounge, but it's gross. It's way too small for the mass amount of commuter students they have, it's in the oldest building on campus, and year after year they don't funnel enough funding towards it. They offer commuter life groups, but when I first came to GCU, I had a life group at the church I was at. Now I don't attend that church anymore and don't have that connection with people my age. My sophomore and junior year, I spent sort of scoffing at on-campus activities, not wanting to get involved because I had connections elsewhere.

But those connections didn't last. And that brings me to this year: senior year.

I'm living in an apartment on campus. I have my own room and share a bathroom with one other person, and the four of us in the apartment share a kitchen/living room. It's new and really nice honestly. As I'm now engrossed in the "Lope Life" as they say, I find myself on the outside looking in. Most people in the apartments are juniors and seniors, that have work, solid friendships and social lives, classes, and don't spend time in the apartment. I see my roommates about twice a week, each at various points, never all at the same time. They are really nice, I just don't know them. That seems to be my problem.

I am really, really, REALLY terrible at reaching out to people and initiating friendships. Why? Probably fear of rejection, assumption that all friendships will crash and meet a firey drama-filled end, and that they will just decide I'm not worth their time and leave. Sound familiar? It's weird, because I used to be so outgoing, so full of joy and confidence and life, and now I'm just shrinking back into a shell that wasn't there before. I'm not trying to say I don't have friends, because I do. My close friends all live out of state at the moment, except my boyfriend. I moved twice during my childhood and maybe that contributes to this fear I have of developing close friendships.

I've started to realize that this fear is affecting other areas of my life: school, my jobs, my writing, my self-confidence, everything. Fear is crippling me and I'm tired of it. I want to be able to reach out to people and make real, true friendships again. And for some reason, I know I'm not alone in this. I know that there are college students that feel like they missed the boat on getting involved on campus. I know that people on my campus and around the world feel this same fear that I do. I know that sometimes, I choose not to pursue friendships because I don't think I'm worth being friends with.

But that ends here.

You ARE worth being friends with.

You ARE amazing and capable of developing meaningful relationships.

You ARE going to have friendships, whether in college or after college.

I'm preaching to myself here as well. Talking about it is the first step. I'm in this boat with you, let's beat this fear together.