We all never want to admit it. We think it is an ugly thing to say. We are taught that it should be ashamed of. I will never be okay with it. Failure was never an option, until it was. There was no way around the course that I failed. I need to pass it to earn my degree and even in my second time around, I feel even worse putting truckloads of pressure on myself.

It was my first failure in a course. Like did you even try? Type of failure. I cried during the course, after I got the grade, and I am even crying again thinking why can’t I understand it. After talking to my Dad, he told me he had my back and that there is always a way. But is there really? I am not really sure. All I know is that I’ve sent frantic emails to my advisor and professor begging for an opportunity to try the work over, or if there is really is another way around this course.

Even if its not talked about, failure happens. The moments when you’ve hit the lowest you can go and need to start over. And I am not just talking about a grade you have received in one of your courses, but actually when you feel like you’re failing at some aspect of your life. The moments when you think, this is it; there is no getting better and that you are stuck here forever. Even through my tears with schoolwork, or even just figuring out life, I just have to remind myself of what my Dad says, there is always a way.

I think it is important to experience failure in your life. It teaches you to enjoy the moments of success even more. Or when you have conquered a failure and turned it into a success. Each failure should teach you something, even if it’s just something about yourself. I for one have learned that I completely overreact and overthink whenever I feel the first spin of the spiral of failure (and if you have experienced failure before, you know the feeling I am talking about). I know I am way too hard on myself and sometimes I need to get up and walk away, even for just a little bit to remember why I started in the first place.

I find myself thinking in big situations, decisions or stressful moments in my life that I think are life changing, would this matter in a year? Will I remember contemplating for hours or days and overreacting? I may not remember everything I think about in a year’s time but the big decisions I can. So, if it isn’t something that will affect me by then, I need to calm down and not categorize them as a failure.

Failure I won’t forget, I won’t forget the disgusting, self-loathing feeling. I know it may eat at me for a while and I’ll give myself time to weep. But I hope when I receive that degree, all I feel is proud and recognize the ups and downs it took to get there, even rock bottom failure.