People who suffer from anxiety and depression understand that there's nothing anyone can say that will make our feelings lessen, especially when you're spiraling out of control, convinced in your panic-induced frenzy that every wild thought you have will undoubtedly come true. I still sometimes suffer from this thought-process that sometimes feels too real for my own good. I didn't understand that there was an alternative- that there was a different way of thinking.
I used to severely suffer from obsessive thinking that was centered around harming myself. It started after a nasty breakup. I would be alone, and I would think to myself, "Man, if I wasn't here, maybe I wouldn't be feeling so awful." I would then convince myself that I was going to harm myself, that something out of my control would happen to me or cause me to injure myself. Vivid images, phrases, and possible scenarios played out in my mind like a morbid theatrical show. This panicky spiraling continued for months. I soon began having panic attacks. Still, my stubborn mind convinced itself that I didn't need help- that I could help myself, thank you very much.
I eventually realized- with the help of concerned parents and worried friends- that I, in fact, couldn't help myself out of this rut. I soon found myself at my university's Student Health and Counseling Center. It was there that I began to learn that counseling is not for crazy people, but for ordinary people who are stuck in normal and difficult situations and don't know how to help themselves. After nearly a year of counseling- a process that helped me understand the importance of mindfulness and the unselfish benefit of slowing down and taking time for yourself- I came across a realization that changed my life: I don't have to harm myself because Christ died for me. This was Christ's gift for the martyr mind then, and it was Christ's gift for my martyr mind now.
By realizing that Christ died for me, I realized that I innately had worth. I realized that it wasn't my responsibility to harm myself- as messed up as that sounds- because by dying for me, Christ saved me from myself. In this backwards way, I can't do anything to harm myself because by laying down his life, Christ promised that as long as I believe in him I will be redeemed, healed, and loved unconditionally.
John 8:12 says this: Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” Despite my hard days, the days where everything seems impossible, and the days where I feel down, anxious, depressed, and weary, I know that I do not walk in darkness because of what Christ did for me. They say that knowledge is power, and while I do believe that, I'd make this one addition: Knowledge andfaith are power.
