Sometimes, it’s hard to be a Christian. It asks you to be in the world but not of it. It asks that you live a life different than what those around you live, that others tell you is easier and more enjoyable and modern. It asks you to speak up when you want to sit down, to speak out when you want to stay in your comfort zone, to say what others say you shouldn’t say because it isn’t politically correct or tolerant.

Sometimes, we can’t do things we want or what others want us to do. It’s not because we are prevented from doing them but because we know it wouldn’t be pleasing to God. If we choose to follow him, we are told that we shouldn’t drink in excess, shouldn’t have casual or sexual romantic relationships, shouldn’t gossip, and shouldn’t lie.

Somethings are easier than others. He tells us to love our neighbors. I find love easier than hate anyways. He tells us to have faith in Him and not worship other idols. I only believe in him, and I know many of what goes wrong in my life is due to my own choices and my faltering faith and trust in Him at times. He tells us to speak our words in truth and love, to honor him and to speak them out of care for those we speak with. I have a sarcastic mouth, and sometimes, I don’t say loving, honoring words even if they have no ill will behind them. That’s one of my personal struggles.

Some of the hardest moments are when we are told to do things that will push us away from the people we surround ourselves with.

It is hard when we are told to say or do things that will make friends walk away, that will make people label us as “one of those Christians," or that will hurt others even if that wasn’t the intent, even if the reason we said it is because we love them too much to not speak up. It is hard especially when it isn’t what they wanted to hear and they are mad at you for it. It is hard when they judge you because they believed you were judging them. It is hard when you are made alone because your stance isn’t the popular one, and others stand against you.

Sometimes, I am afraid to pray out loud. I am afraid to sing in worship or to protest when I hear others dishonor His name is jest or derision. I don’t want to be told I am being too sensitive when all I hear is that they are spitting on the very foundation of my life. To criticize or mock Christianity is easy and acceptable but to make an offhand comment or statement that is less than tolerant or politically correct can result in instant social rejection or judgment as if my identity is any less important or defining as other identities.

Sometimes, I have to sit quietly in my lectures as my faith is called a myth, when it is mocked by professors and students, when they say things that aren’t even true and are, frankly, rather insulting.

Sometimes, I have to sit quietly at live performances when Jesus is used as a comical figure whose only acclaim is his “magical” abilities instead of his painful sacrifice on a cross for the sin of an entire species for generations past and to come.

Sometimes, I have to answer to accusations I am unprepared to answer from people who direct their anger over a belief they don’t accept at me for daring to proclaim it.

Sometimes, I feel small.

Sometimes, I wonder if it's worth it.

Sometimes, I wish God would show a sign to back me up.

Sometimes, I walk out of the room because I cannot take it anymore.

Sometimes, I lay awake in bed so angry at everyone and everything.

Sometimes, I cry.

Sometimes, I lay face down on the ground, feeling so empty and lost and scared.

Sometimes, I feel superior when I shouldn’t and aren’t, and I am disgusted with myself.

Sometimes, most times, I have to face the fact that I can’t feel him because I stand in my own way, possessing all the belief in the world but the inability to surrender.

Sometimes, I wonder if I truly believe or am just pretending I do because I don’t know how to.

Some people think it’s easy to be a Christian.

They think we can just deny the things around us and claim that it’s magic and that they should accept that too. They don’t know the internal struggle we deal with daily. They don’t know the rejection we feel everywhere. They don’t know the fear that is duct tape across our mouths lest we say what people think we shouldn’t. They don’t know the places we’ve come from to get to where we are, the hurdles we had to jump over and the strongholds we had to overcome to get there, and why we believe enough to want to share our revelations.

Sometimes, I want to say what I hold back and admit that I don’t know everything even if I know He who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I don’t know the divide between love and tolerance. I don’t know how I feel about the diverse sexualities and gender identities from a personal or biblical standpoint. I don’t know the scripture. I don’t know how to explain Creationism. I don’t know what to think about the early humans uncovered. I don’t know to pray. I don’t how a lot of things.

Sometimes, I don’t know why I believe, but sometimes, I do because I know I’m alive because of Him. If it wasn’t for the faith of those who held my life in their hands before I could even save myself, I wouldn’t be alive. That was the first of many miracles that brought me here through some near death experiences in my life.

Sometimes, it’s hard to be a Christian, but it would be even harder to deny Him. So, I accept the struggles that lay in the path ahead of me and hope I will be strong enough to stand my ground.

Sometimes, I might fall, but He will pick me back up. That, I believe and proclaim.