I had gone months without seeing her and realized that no matter how hard I had tried to keep it up, the hours I had with my therapist were simply ones that weren't gonna work out. I had to make a choice that was pretty difficult for me: I had to break up with my therapist. I stopped scheduling appointments and hunting for a new one was one of the longest and most ridiculous annoying processes that I had to go through in my life.
I knew it was going to be expensive and it was going to be difficult, but those were just things that I was going to have to accept if I really wanted to begin to take my mental health seriously and move forward.
I began to get in a bit of a bad place without my therapist, I felt completely in the dark and knew that if I ever wanted to improve myself or get any better I was going to have to continue with my therapy and journey for a happier healthier me. I didn't want to lose any of the progress that I had made and I repeatedly felt myself slipping back into the darkness the longer that I went without seeing her.
In all reality, it really was a me problem. I hear the phrase "it's not you, it's me" all the time especially when it's in a breakup situation, but in this case, it was absolutely the truth. It was all me. I had hours that didn't work well with my therapist and I also didn't bend over backward to be there like I should have been. I missed an entire appointment once because I was out with friends and know that was something that must have really aggravated her just as I am sure I would have been angry and aggravated if someone had just decided not to show up to some sort of appointment I had them scheduled for.
I am irresponsible and flighty, yet another reason that I need to be in therapy and I really needed someone who worked with me and understood that. Not that by any means, my previous therapist didn't, but the schedules never worked well and it was just really hard to find someone who was able to work with me correctly.
The hunt for a new therapist continues and it is indeed a wild one. The costs are all different and I really feel sometimes like I am breaking up with someone and voiding back into the "sea" that people so often claim there are plenty of fish in. The last relationship I ended was sad for me because I realized there really was a chance I would go looking for someone similar to him and never find him.
There's only one him and he's not mine anymore.
His personality was really everything I desired while searching for a partner and when we parted I had the overwhelming fear that I would never find someone like him again. I still have that fear and it's still scary to me. Venturing into the new is so terrifying especially when the new won't have a lot of the cozy luxuries you so desired.
So here I go. I'm moving on and I've truly never really been more terrified to do so. I go to college in the fall. This is a massive transitioning time for me, but one I am taking day by day.