Summer 2016. I had just graduated high school and was more than relieved to be done. I was on my way to my dream college with the major that I had picked out months ago. I had a plan and I was ready, damned be anyone who stood in my way. But the woman-on-a-mission facade only lasted half of a semester.

A woman who thought she had her shit together.

Slowly but surely the plan that I had so meticulously built in the months leading up to me going to school, fell apart around me. Class after class passed and I realized more and more that I hated the degree I was pursuing. I wanted to love it. I knew that I would make a difference in the world if I pursued that degree and I knew that there was no reason that I should be having the trouble with it that I was. I wasn't happy but I felt that walking away or picking something else was the equivalent of failure.

During high school, I never gave up on things. I stuck with sports that I no longer loved until the end of the season or until I had no choice but to leave. I always took the hardest classes available and always passed and usually without trying. Now I was just another college kid that no longer knew what she was doing. I had prepared and planned and studied up until that point to make sure that I was the girl who knew where she was going. I wanted to be different. I wanted to be impressive. Seemingly the only college kid with any semblance of preparedness for the future. Changing my major meant losing that identity of the polished and ready young woman that I had cultivated.

I was frustrated and I felt alone.The people I surrounded myself with all seemed to be following their plans so easily. Not struggling with the coursework like I was or resenting it for how unenjoyable it felt. I trudged on clinging to the girl I thought suffering through would make me and hoping that it would just click and I would love it someday.

Then I started failing. I don't fail things, especially tests. I had to withdraw from a class before I completely lost any chance at a decent GPA. I had to accept that I wasn't doing what I was meant to do and that didn't mean that I was a failure. I am 19 years old and I still have very little idea what I'm doing with my life but I know that I'm going to be kick ass at it because I have conquered the hardest bit- that changing your mind doesn't mean failing. I am no less of a woman or student because I didn't guess my future my first try.

So at the end of this rant, I would just like to put out the friendly reminder that you don't have to get it all right the first try! You shouldn't! Most people won't! Give yourself room to grow and change who you are and what you want to be.

A woman whose shit is not together but she's laughing because it's okay.