Change is never easy, yet people are always expecting us to adapt to change so quickly. It's hard. Anyone who says otherwise is lying. We, as humans, like routine and order as it brings us a sense of comfort. I like to think that while change is hard, it is necessary. You see, even though we like routine, we aren't made to be the same forever. That's why we grow and change. It's why four year old me is different from who I am now. I'm 19 writing this, for context. I've been through a lot of change this year, and I know we all have, but that is something that is especially hard for me. This year I battled a declining mental health, which is something I had never really struggled with or at least noticed before. The Coronavirus struck, and with that, came so many changes. We were forced to live in a different way. All the while, I was struggling with a new sense of social anxiety and fear of it not getting better. Time went on, and I thought I was getting better, but I realize now that I was not doing anything to change for the better. I see that now. Then, I was forced to move back home from college with a day's notice. Goodbye any plans I had made for those next three months. But, I was glad to be home honestly. I needed time around people who loved me, when I felt like no one did. Then, they said it was okay to go back to school again, which was another change. Sure, I made the decision to go because I knew it was what was best for me, but that doesn't make it any easier. I still felt scared and lonely, but I knew staying home wouldn't help me grow as a person. I went back to school, and I felt kind of hopeful, but mainly afraid that things wouldn't change. And...they didn't...at first. I was still the same, scared girl who hid behind others. I relied too much on my best friend to get me through things. And before you think oh that's what friends are for, no, I took it too far. The only people I really talked to where people she introduced me to because I felt like no one wanted to get to know me or I was too awkward to get to know someone first. At one point I settled for that, trying to rationalize it, but as you will come to read, I changed that mindset. Well, let's just say I was very unhappy at this point in my life. Time went on, and I was "managing," which is what I like to call it since I wasn't good, but I wasn't terrible either. I was just hanging in there. Then, my best friend in the entire world dropped me like a piece of trash. I kid you not. She texted me telling me I hurt her and the friendship was one sided and blah blah blah...you get the point. Telling those things to someone with a severely low self-esteem just was wrong. I felt worthless, and I felt disposable. I felt like I didn't matter to anyone. I put everything I had into that friendship and to hear it wasn't enough made me feel like I could never be good enough for anyone. That was my rock bottom. I have never in my life felt worse than I did in the aftermath of losing my best friend. Except when I realized it wasn't just her I lost, it was everything I pictured my life to be and everything I thought I was. My heart was broken, and I knew the only way to fix it has to do it for myself. Because, I know you all don't know me, but I used to be this fun person who laughed 24/7 out of genuine happiness, who did not have a care in the world. But, that wasn't me anymore. I had changed (for the worse). And now, by no means am I saying that this solution works for everyone, but in that time of need, I turned to God. I told Him honestly, if He was ever going to be there for me, now is the time. I needed Him more than ever. He showed up, and I am so grateful. His presence in my life was something I craved for a long time, but I like to think of Him as Nanny McPhee. I know, weird metaphor. But, when you think about it, it makes sense. Nanny McPhee's whole being is based on the phrase, "when you need me, but do not want me, I will stay, but when you want me but no longer need me, I shall go" or something like that. Because God was there for me through that time, but once things started to get better, I didn't feel His presence as much. But, it wasn't that He wasn't there; He just stepped away for a moment, waiting for me to need Him again. In other regards, I began to challenge myself. Not in every way, but I pushed myself to try to make other friends and focus on those I did have. I also pushed myself to join a new club with no one else I knew. This might seem easy to some, but this is something I struggled with a lot. I felt like I always needed someone to be a crutch in a sense with a new experience or new person, because I felt I didn't have the means to be enough on my own. All this changed for the better. Now, I am not saying things are great now, because I still struggle. But, I am able to acknowledge my faults and areas in which I need to grow in, which allows me to change for the better. At this moment, I have one more day before I move back home from school for the summer, but my goal this summer is to continue to change for the better and strive to be the best version of myself. I thank you for reading part of my story, and I encourage you to also strive to change for the better and to be the best you can be. You got this! Also, I would love any feedback or comments if you wanna share any thoughts with me! Here is my email: westerfield.lola@gmail.com