It seems like I have always journalled, wrote letters, and silly poems. However, it turned into something completely different in the spring of 2018.
I was at the doctor's office. Sitting in a leather chair across from my doctor with his large messing desk between us. I heard his words, my diagnosis, my prognosis, and felt...nothing.
My children were optimistic. My mother was determined to make me well. My brother was unreadable.
Me? I felt nothing. Numb. I didn't not care other than in the logical sense of making plans for my youngest.
I stayed with my mother for a few months.
My mother nurtured me and avoided all talk about anything negative. We certainly did not confront my decision not to have surgery. Mom pumped me full of vitamins, minerals, honey, organic whole foods, concoctions made up of turmeric, seeds, teas, and other unknown things.
I was grateful and love my mom, my family, my friends but a part of me was still numb.
It wasn't until a follow up appointment where my doctor told me he was disappointed with my latest bloodwork. The the treatment was not working and I had to consider the surgery sooner rather than later.
I left his office as numb as ever. I ignored all calls and texts the rest of the day. I went straight home and was in my jamas by three in the afternoon. I did the only thing I could do, I just started writing.
Before I knew it the sun was going down.
I realized I had been writing for hours and no longer numb. I felt sad, angry, but most of all for the first time in my life I felt lonely.
I went to bed and cried, what seemed to be endless tears. I couldn't make the tears stop.
And they did not stop, not for days. I literally woke up crying, cried through out the day, and fell asleep crying. I think the gravity of it all hit me at once. The past three years hit me at once. I felt an enormous weight just pressing on my chest knowing so much is not yet done. However, I felt as if I was being released from a prison of my own doing. The endless crying was a emotional and physical cleansing.
I began to organize my journal entries by names, roads, streets, etc.
I focused. My work focused on a meaningful and impactful project, my son was on a faster track to getting settled, the poisonous malignant tumor con man and court was over, and I was writing twice daily.
My world changed and with it I changed. The person I was or thought I was changed too. This was the first time in my life I started to feel free.
That old saying sums up exactly how I feel - "Freedom is another word for nothing left to lose."
Life lesson/ Wisdom gained-
I realized- not only do I have nothing to lose but everything I was fearful of losing was a facade and/or not worth holding on to.
The operative word here is fearful. I promised myself then that I would be truly fearless.
Just putting that promise to myself in practice brought me back to life again.