I've been feeling heavy-hearted lately. I've been feeling ashamed, guilty, and embarrassed. You see, I grew up in a home where Christianity was the basis of everything we did. I lived and breathed church, and I loved every minute of it. I spent my Sunday mornings, Sunday nights and Wednesdays at my church. Even more so, I spent almost every Tuesday and every Thursday with a Christian organization through my high school. I could really call myself a woman of God.
Flash forward to my freshman year of college. I met new friends, joined different organizations, and kept myself busy every hour of the day. I let myself become so busy that I ultimately let myself drift from God. My weekly routines turned from praising God and serving others, to partying with fraternities and going out with my girlfriends. I let my mind go from a solid foundation set on Jesus, to a clouded blur of not knowing exactly what I wanted to believe in anymore. I was so lost in a scene that I knew wasn't for me, with people I knew weren't good for me, but I still chose it over and over again.
After about a year, I looked around me and realized that the people I was with and the things that I was doing wasn't who I was supposed to be. So, I decided that from that moment on, I was gonna make decisions for me. I decided to make my decisions based off what I knew what was right and based off of what my parents raised me growing up.
I decided that I wanted to fall in love with Jesus again.
Fully surrendering myself to Him again was a struggle, I won't lie to you. By giving Him all my faith, I lost a lot. At first, I was devastated that Christ would take away everything I knew, but little did I know, He had so much more in store for me. I lost close friends, some that I didn't want to let go of, but I received strong, passionate women to uplift my faith instead. I lost the sense of who I "thought" I was, but was reminded that the person I thought I was is not the person I truly am. I can now look in the mirror and say I am proud of the person I am becoming.
By praising God through the darkest times of my life, He still continued to bless me -- even though I let Him down. You see, God doesn't cling to the sins that we make. Instead, He fully forgives. Christ doesn't care what I put in my body, what I restricted myself from, or who I spent time with. It broke His heart that I chose the world over Him, but He doesn't think twice about it anymore. He welcomed me with open arms and told me that He forgave me for turning my back to Him.
Friends, I want you to know that it does not matter what you're doing, what you plan to do, or what you have done. I want you to know that you have a Father in heaven who sees you for who you truly are, His child. He sees your heart and wants so badly for you to run to Him when you feel rocky in your faith.
I have been feeling heavy-hearted, embarrassed and ashamed for abandoning my God. But today, I am rejoicing because He took my shame and He carried it with Him the whole time. He carried my sin, my disgusting nature, and put it on His back so that the load wouldn't be too heavy for me. Today, I am rejoicing because my God held my hand my whole life, but carried me throughout my toughest times. Today, I am rejoicing because my past is gone and I can start anew in Christ Jesus, all because He loves me more than I could have ever imagined.
How beautiful is it to love a God that wipes us clean of our guilt and shame? There is nothing more beautiful than His mercy.