As an emotional person, as well as a natural worrier, I spend a significant amount of time checking (and double and triple-checking) to see if my partner is okay. Seeing her do and say things that are not typical of her gets me thinking, and I'm always noticing body language. I get tense at the thought of not noticing when things go wrong, especially if someone wants me to notice and can't articulate it.
I'm the person you have to assure that everything is okay. I'm the guy that assumes the worst. I'm the guy at the drawing board, figuring out how to please everyone. To be honest, I have no problem with being this way. I find purpose in helping and serving those I care about, and turning frowns to smiles elates me. I take it hard when these things are beyond my control. I blame myself, and the logical side of my brain fights with my emotional side. In short, I worry and try, while knowing that I have no control of certain things.
When you don't text back because your phone died, I'm pacing around hoping that you're okay, and wondering if I could have done more to keep you safe from a scenario that I don't know happened. When I get your voicemail because you're driving, I'm evaluating my value and hope that it still cuts it for you. The fears could build enough pressure to break the roof apart, but I'd never blame you because I get that way. I know it's just me, being paranoid.
I wasn't born that way. I became familiar with abuse and rejection, with no answers as to why, or what was wrong with me. I've also been putting on black clothing and riding in processions since I was eleven, and goodbye was a word that I was never good with. I've lost more people than I'd like to say, and, as the emotional one, never took it well. I've seen what the world can do and what it is made of, the hard way.
I don't want you to have to entangled with that world. I don't want you to be without. I don't want you to be in danger, or sad, or anything less than happy and content. You make me happy, and your very existence propels me to keep going and lets me do so with a smile on my face. Being there for you is both a selfless and selfish action. Most of the time, I can't imagine this second on without you in my life. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you that I could have prevented, or even if it was something entirely out of my control.
Communication with you means not only talking out emotion and deep heart-to-hearts, but it means seeing how you are doing, and seeing if I am doing a good job. Lucky for me, you know this about me, and remind me constantly of my value and ability to help. Thank you. However, my determination to protect you and recognition for the fact that I am a paranoid person does not assuage me when something goes awry. I don't want you out of my life. I don't want you gone. I want you here with me more than anything, and I will do everything I can to prevent that.
Yes, I'm probably being entirely irrational. Maybe even overbearing. I get anxious and paranoid if I feel something is off. So if you don't get annoyed at a random "Are you okay?", then there is a higher chance you will when I follow it up with "Are you sure?" (two times, followed by asking you to pinky promise me, and physically conjoin your pinky with mine). I understand and will try to worry less.
But the truth is, I can't settle until I hear from you. Because I love you.