Tainted by a desecrated den, I only wish that what I know now I knew then
Crossed between the lines of what is mine, they take and take all of the time
The air is thick and rippling through smog, although I am crippling torn down by brain fog
They try and break me into tinier pieces, but they can't shake me with their ugly faces
I swear a mask to hide all within and keep myself from drowning again
Adieu to the unknown because we are all forsaken, lying and waiting for a little bit of saving
But we must bid our dues and know that karma imbues
Awake we will suffer, pity the living not the dead, for they are resting in bed
There will come a day when hauntings become us: a life of regret and longlived coldness
Avast my sins forever more, never to look back at these sour sores
My pains might be faded, but I will always remember how they were created
We are but the punctured wounded and soldiered, molded around abrupt shatters of exposure
Desponded and discrepant weak and weary souls, wandering around patching up gaping holes
You can't break the broken, so don't even try
These words are unspoken as I whisper goodnight.
"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star." -F. Scott Fitzgerald
I wrote this on the train ride home last night after being deeply hurt by an old friend. This poem speaks to the toxicity of a stale friendship and crosses into the realms of similar relationships with the mind and how things start to deteriorate oftentimes at night right before bed. Why do our demons come out at night? The evening is a respite from a full day of stimulation, allowing our senses to be at ease and freeing up thoughts that lingered in the self-conscious. It is at this time my thoughts are loudest and most colorful. A spur of nightly illumination has awoken me to what was hiding in plain sight.
Like any bad relationship, the best thing to do is leave. Don't stay with someone out of fear or guilt, only to further the discomfort and extent of harm. Despite good intentions, you know it's time to cut the chord when the cons have long outweighed the pros. An unhealthy friendship is like a necrotic leg: you deny amputation as you try to cling on to it for dear life because, for better or for worse, that is your leg. It has always been a part of you and allowed you to run past the finish lines, but all the cramps and pains have made you swollen and septic. Your leg has stolen your identity while you contemplate your life after loss. If you hold on to it any longer, it will kill you. Ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow because sometimes 'later' becomes 'never.' Like ripping off a band-aid, do it quickly to prevent any more pain.
We all get lost; sometimes, in another person. They say to live life without regrets. So you must forgive the past as a stepping stone to the future. Once you realize your direction, move onward and upward with forwarding momentum. Embrace your cherished light that was buried deep inside you underneath silent wounds. Good Samaritans are always around to help pull you out of the rubble. Sometimes the best person to save you is yourself. If you can't remember who you are, then create yourself anew. They say to live life without regrets. So you must forgive the past by embodying your envisioned future-self. Remember, decay fertilizes the soil that breeds life. You are bound to meet someone who vibes at your level. "Those who do not move, do not notice their chains." -Rosa Luxemburg